Dreaming

I had a few dreams last night. I actually said to myself before I went to sleep...I will remember my dreams...and I did (sort of).

One dream was that I was showing my blog to someone and she said that it would totally be a perfect fit in the LA scene and she gave me some contacts. While I was honored that she felt that way about my blog, I had my doubts BUT I was also hopeful that perhaps, just maybe, it could be something. End of Dream (as I know it)

The second memory I had is awakening right after the name Collette Stevens came to my mind. The name was clear as day. I heard the name, I knew exactly how to spell it and it 'just was'. Interesting though...who the hell is Collette Stevens? I don't know her. Why was it such an emphatically clear-to-me name? I am intrigued and I'm logging the name somewhere in my memory bank so that when I meet this Collette Stevens (OR some iteration of that name), I will say 'ah yes' I knew I would find you. I did a quick google search and found a Collette A. Stevens who writes poetry but I didn't get any vibes from that and I found spelling errors (or was a grammar?...can't remember). Then I somehow found the name Collette Stevens as a character name in the movie Night of the Living Dead (2004)...which is a bit of a coincidence because I saw Zombieland this past weekend and there is a similar 'theme' there.

Dreaming is fun. Finding meaning in dreams is ever funner (how is that for grammar Ms. Collette A Stevens). I am looking forward to more dreams and then looking forward to breaking down the symbols to see what resonates with me. Yours in reverie, Chief

Seeing machine

Today I volunteered to do vision screening at the kids' school. It is a high touch low tech volunteer opportunity. You are like a machine running kids through the simple vision screening cycle and sending the 'retesters' (not to be confused with rejects) to the more serious screening place. This can make for a long monotonous experience except that the individual kids make it interesting. It was fun to witness the different "makes and models": confident kids, meek and mild kids, bored kids, clueless kids, and everything in between. I had the luck of having 2 girls with my same name which made me think...they were meant to be with me (or maybe it could be that my name is coming into fashion again but I like the first thought better). I had one kid who couldn't hold his hand over his eye to save his life, so another parent had to assist. I also had a gung ho guy who told me he had already memorized the chart and so he knew he'd pass (a little "rain man" in our midst).

One other thing that is rewarding for me, is to notice that I actually like interacting with kids on a personal level. I like to talk with them in mature and respectful ways. To make them feel special but not patronized. I liked to witness my belief that children are human beings and they deserve the same amount of respect and attention as an adult. That felt good...but then...after it was all said and done...I wanted to bathe in hand sanitizer.

I'm on a mission to stay healthy...respecting kids and respecting my body....all is good in the world!

Not sure

I'm in a neutral place right now. I woke up well rested but feel as though today will be just a 'uh' kind of day...not bad but nothing to write home about (hi mom!). Now here is where I can try to make magic. Here is where I have a choice. I COULD investigate this 'uh' feeling and either decide I like it and make my day an 'uh' day OR I could investigate and find the why of my 'uh' feeling and change my thoughts to make it better. I believe both choices are valid. I think the magical part of it is that I can choose...that feels like freedom. I think I will choose the happy choice (as is my Positive Polly way). In as poetic a way as I know how, I will say to myself TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN and then I will - Shazam!

Gratitude X 10

1. A simple life


2. Friends for my kids


3. A husband who is smart and confident


4. Books, books, books (I finished 3 books this week...and want to read more)


5. My daughter's love of the library


6. The changing of the seasons


7. Shared delight in ODD movies - we saw Zombieland and weirdly liked it


8. New clients (both in photography and in coaching)


9. Conversations with my parents


10. Good vibes

Crisp

Today I felt that quintessential feeling of the fall crisp air. It brings a flood of memories of this very feeling throughout my life. It feels like change, it brings the word 'cozy' to mind, I feel a bit of an invigorated 'freshness' especially after walking and standing at a soccer game.

Whenever I get this 'tell tale' feeling of fall I seem to transport to 2 distinct memories of visiting my brother's while I was in college. They both lived in New England while I was in college and on two separate occasions they were my "home" during breaks because my parents were in Italy at the time. I have vivid memories of each visit and I can see my breath, feel my nose going cold, I imagine a nice bulky sweater to keep me warm and just a general surge of energy when you're out in that weather. I remember going to a football game at Holy Cross college and other fun shenanigans. I remember seeing James Taylor on the lawn. I remember walking on a waterfront and shopping in a small town. I remember a drive to see the leaves and to experience the natural beauty. I remember feeling a warm energy while also feeling the chill.

I like this feeling but it feels 'transitional'...that at some point the normalcy of the chill and the staying power of the cold no longer will have this 'first day of fall' kind of feeling. I guess that is important for all of us (at least those who live in an area with seasons) to grow 'ho-hum' about a phase so that when the next one comes, we're ready for the change. The transitions from Fall to Winter is not as 'marked' but it changes into an anticipatory feeling (probably due to the holidays and the first snow). The Winter to spring probably mirrors the intensity of summer to fall. The feeling of warmth and the visual cues are vivid and refreshing...and then spring to summer is again more 'anticipatory' of what adventures will be had over the summer.

I love witnessing what the seasons do for me and how I interpret my feelings during them. I have to say that the middle of winter is my most challenging time where I can be more unsettled, a little gloomy and feel more isolated...but I can guess that I'm not alone and I can guess that it comes with the territory.

A Walk down...

...memory lane

The other night I spent three hours NOT sleeping and I was ok with it because I played fun mental games. One of them was to take a "walk" through my life. I started from my earliest memory and then just let my mind move in a chronologically "forward" trajectory. I loved to witness what came next and to 'visit' for a while and wonder about things. I found it interesting that sometimes I could tell by my body's reaction if a memory was mine or from pictures or stories told by my family. The ones that were told had less of an impact on me. I purposefully chose to remember the good stuff which made it a lovely walk...that isn't to say that I didn't pick apart a few of the memories to see how I was feeling, what I thought about it and maybe if there is something to learn about myself. Here is an observation of my memory walk:

• All of my memories are chunked by location because I moved so much. I wonder about those who have lived somewhere all their life how their memory works? I suspect they'll remember more 'rituals' than I will...like the neighborhood block party, or annual trek to somewhere...that doesn't really come to my mind.


• I cannot do an exact recall of settings but get a sense of things...like I can remember some of my classrooms by sensing where the light was coming in from the windows.
• I realized that the house I'm in now isn't too dissimilar to my house from age 3-8 in Fremont, CA...which was a weird revelation...of course my current house is updated.
  
• There are some memories that are more vivid than others and I believe they are ones that had more of a heightened emotional state...like skinny dipping with my family (I probably was more than embarrassed) OR maybe they're more vivid because our family continued to tell the stories over time.


• I noticed that in several incidences, I could sense the feeling of not being 'up to par' OR 'out of place' OR 'temporary' OR 'wanting to be more like'...I actually don't mind these feelings because I believe they're a mirror of what I'm feeling in the present. I'm excited to figure it out.

I think it is cool to be an anthropologist of your life, to figure out what makes you tick, find out the source of behavior patterns (both good and bad) and to decide if there are changes that you'd like to make. As I often like to say...Its all fun and games.

Rabbit Rabbit Rabbit

Mrs. Schindler always had fun 'good luck' rituals. One of them was that you should say rabbit, rabbit, rabbit on the first day of the month before you say anything else. I usually "think" that but never actually utter the words from my mouth. Who is this Mrs. Schindler? She was a great "mom" in my life as a teenager. I met her in Iceland in 1984 and she was played a big role in my life for the 2 years because she lived right below us in our military housing and because I dated her son. When I think of Mrs. Schindler I cannot help but smile and think of all of her qualities and then I think, I want to be like that too. Here are some of the words that come to mind when I'm reminded of Mrs. Schindler:

• Funny
• Confident
• Warm
• Positive
• "Get to it"
• Practical
• Organized
• Kind
• Generous
• Loving
• Significant
• Giving
• Witty
• Memorable
• Egg Salad Sandwich

Do you have people from your past that make you think those qualities (OR different ones that you find valuable)? Last night I couldn't sleep and all kinds of people from my past kept popping into my head. I've decided that I am going to list all the names and list my guess as to why they 'stick out' to me and what qualities I admire in them. I'm thinking that right now I'm searching for something in myself...and if I had to name it, it would be confidence and I believe these people are coming to the front of my mind for me to access what it is about them that I would like to emulate (or am already doing and to give myself credit for that). I'm excited to do this exercise. I believe I will find some truths about what I want and to hone in on where I might need to find some of the qualities in me (or find ways to be 'more of').

One other memory of Mrs. Schindler and her family: I lived in Iceland all by myself with my parents (my 2 brothers were in college). Our house was quiet and 'mature'...their house was loud and filled with energy that was actually a little out of my comfort-zone. I loved to go down and access that energy from time-to-time but also liked to go to my space in my quiet home. I am not saying that they were immature in any regard but they did have kids age 5-17 (4 of them) and in my home there was only a 16 year old (and "old people"-my parents). It brings a smile to my face thinking of the energy of the Schindler household. As a side note...our house now is more quiet than not...so I think I'm more comfortable in quiet but know that noise is also good (every so often).