Judge Not

Lately I've been very conscientious about when I am judging either myself (which can be a constant inner dialog) or someone else.

As for judging others....at the end of the day, we have no business in "anyone else's business". I didn't make that up myself but I'm leaning toward agreeing with this statement. In her book "Loving What Is", Byron Katie talks about 3 types of business...Ours, Others and God's/natures (she was "nonspecific" about the God part). She says the only business we should attend to is ours. I can see more and more where 'being in others business' can cause stress and discomfort either about my OWN self or about others. I have no ability to change ANYONE. I am not responsible for ANYONE's happiness. Who am I to judge other's choices and decisions. There is enough work to do on little ole me to fill my time.


I think I have a bit of a struggle understanding how this fits in with my job as a parent. I think there is a fine balance of nurturing and leading kids while also recognizing that they have choices to make in their own lives and they may not always be what I would choose. I haven't yet identified that LINE and certainly haven't started to hone the 'balancing act' on it, but I'm working on it.

Another area which is interesting is that as I chose to be a coach, I do 'get in other's business'....but I do it as a leader/guide/support where I have no true interest in the outcome but can help others find their own truth and way. Again, this is a fine balancing act because there will be some poking and prodding along the way to clear some paths, open up new territory, find some wiggle room within current limiting beliefs, but all of this will be done without judgement and without ME being in control of the outcome (because I don't have control over what someone else chooses to do or believe).



Now for the internal judgement that goes on in my 'mental theater' on a daily/hourly basis...this is also a balancing act. I can't always control what thoughts come into my mind but I do have choices on how I am going to attend to them. So for example..."Your house is a mess...ONCE AGAIN" would definitely be a 'trailer' in my movie in my head on a regular basis. I could let that thought consume me and create a belief system about my life and my 'control' over it. OR I could also say...how very interesting that I have this belief that my house has to be clean all of the time, is that true? OR....I could have a little tete-a-tete with the announcer in my head, you say this movie is about Messy Laura...well, I don't chose to watch this movie because, Laura is in fact pretty on top of things most of the time, the fact that there are young children in the house, and that she is busy a lot of the time with her coaching, volunteering and other living activities, that sometimes the house can get a little untidy, but she always finds time to get it back in order....Byron Katie (and now "I") would argue that if there is any time where your thoughts cause you discomfort, you can dissect that thought and find a better feeling one. The goal is to end needless suffering which can free you up to see life as fabulous, exciting, and perfect just as it is....that does sound like a panacea BUT it is what it is...whatever is happening at the moment IS and there is no use arguing with it. As Byron Katie says, when you argue with reality, you lose 100% of the time.

This blogpost is brought to you today by the morning inner dialog from my 'mental theater' at 5am ...thank you for watching and have a great day!!!!

Polly Anna

I have been known to say that I have a Polly Anna life. I say this in both a grateful way but also a way that hasn't served me well. What I mean by that is that I often say/believe: Who am "I" to want more out of life when I've already had a great life?

This is some of the work I'm doing with myself to find the underlying thoughts and beliefs I have about my life and figure out how to turn them around. For example, I could ask "Who am I not to want more out of life?" Perhaps if I had more (and lets be clear that money is part of my discussion on this) I could be of service to others, I could be free to enjoy my life and by default my children would too, I would have more time (aka not cleaning the house) to be a better wife, mother, coach and volunteer. At one point someone asked me to give 10 reasons why I deserve more out of life and I followed through...but cannot bring them to my mind at the moment.

The reason why I bring up the Polly Anna experience here is today on my coaching class we were encouraged to acknowledge that where we have been "to hell and back" is a gift we can offer our clients as someone who has been there and can give you support and tools to work through them. I sat there thinking....well, I haven't really been to hell and back so who am I to help others?...a recurring theme. Maybe I should ask a different question...Who AM I? What do I have to offer? How can I be of service to others? How can I add value to myself and to others?

On the topic of "hell and back"....it could also be a matter of perception. Maybe I'm not allowing myself to see that there have been moments in my life that were hellish. If I look I could find a few that some might argue weren't all peaches and cream. Let me name a few...

• Moving often as a child (and interestingly as an adult).


• Having my father absent for months at a time (and resulting mother who might have been a bit stressed about it).


• Moving to Iceland (...need I say more?)


• Having a friend murdered.


• Being sexually harassed


• Having a few miscarriages

I do know that I have good coping mechanisms built within me that make me be able to 'buck up' when times get tough. Does that mean I didn't feel it when it was happening? heck no....there were tears shed, teeth gnashing etc, but somehow I knew that those events were not going to define me and I "moved on quickly". So, perhaps I do have more 'hell and back' that I can draw from to give perspective to those who need support. Also....I was given a great insight today about where I can be of service AND where I have actually gravitated as of late....I know what it feels like to move from being a full-time mom to one who has school age kids and who feels like something is missing....I've lived that model (and in many ways am still doing it) and know I can offer a perspective to others which might help them find passion and meaning as they transition. So, even though I have a rosy look at my life which has served me well, I also have perspective that I haven't given myself credit for....now I have something to chew on....so take that Polly!

Gratitude X 10

1. My mommy and daddy here for a week


2. Sunny day (after rainy day yesterday)


3. Par-tay on Fri-day


4. Crazy busy week over


5. Flowers from friends and family


6. Gifts from friends and family


7. Love from around the world on my birthday


8. Ooey-gooey love from my kids (on my birthday)


9. Very slight discomfort from my par-tay versus an all day recovery


10. Life is good!

Whoa Nelly

On my FB page I said I was going to party like a 20 year old last night. My friend said that the problem with partying like a 20 year old is that you FEEL like a 40 year old the next day.

I don't think I made it 20 year old standards but had a great time nonethless...AND I still feel like a 40 year old today. What's with that?

T - minus

I am 5 hours away from having a great evening with friends. In fact, MANY friends. My husband says that only one family could not attend...that is so amazing and humbling. I'm the type of gal who is fine with no 'obvious' light shining on me. I definitely can hold my own "in the light" but don't really need it to be happy. So, this party as much as it is FOR me, is more about me wanting to be surrounded by my friends, not the actual attention it will also bring. People are my power source. I need and love to connect with them and so that is what the gift of this party is; not the attention specifically ON ME. With all that said...I do think I should slap some makeup on and a pretty shirt so that I at least am presentable as our guests come...so, if you'll excuse me....my shower is calling.

Good Enough

This week's busy-ness has really allowed me to witness something fabulous....there IS such thing as 'good enough' and it isn't to the perfectionist-level that I've thought all along. For example, I had homework due today that I had but 5 minutes to work on it...so I did what I could in that 5 minutes, submitted, slapped my hands together and said...DONE. I didn't fret over how fabulous it was going to be, if it was actually what I needed to do, if I was going knock some one's socks off...NO, I just did what I felt worked for me at the time and called it a day. And...by golly, the world did not come crashing down around me....fascinating.

I'm going to keep this little gem of a life lesson in my hip pocket because my next task is to clean the house for my party tomorrow...so 'good enough' is going to come in handy OR I'll spend all day cleaning and be bitter. When did I decide that everything in life had to be 'high standard', perfect, 110%? How has it served me? Where can I change the model and where is it still something to strive for? Only I can know, but I never asked before now...now I will ask is this something that deserves 110% or will 80% do...its still a passing grade and no one really f-ing cares at the end of the day! Maybe that is what turning 40 gives me...PERSPECTIVE!

It's Official

Firstly today I AM 40. No big change from yesterday except that my family is making me breakfast in bed and I think I'll be getting more emails than usual. I'm down with it all...and happy just as things are (minus maybe a few pounds, wrinkles and knee pains).

What is more exciting to me is that I actually have been officially blogging for a year now. This post happens to be my 359th, so oviously, I didn't quite make 'a post a day'. I blame internet connectivity and travel mainly...not desire. Here are my 10 thoughts about my year of blogging.

1. It has become a necessary part of my day.



2. I rarely have "nothing" to talk about



3. I can make a story out of the mundane



4. I love writing



5. I have 'found my voice'



6. I sometimes filter my thoughts/words because of family reading



7. I hope to expand this 'writing thing' this year



8. Some blogs 'write themselves' when I least expect it



9. I enjoy marrying my photography with my writing



10. I am looking forward to another 350 (something) blogs.

Hey 5 readers out there (maybe a few more)....do you have any thoughts on what my next year of blogging should look like? Thanks for humoring me by participating in my year of writing. Cheers!

PS My husband is awesome...he bought me the latest and greatest Nikon camera AND a new computer AND I'm going to Austin for 4 days with 'my girls'....maybe 40 ain't so bad after all.

Not sure which way is up

This week, I feel like a whirling dervish....with commitments, parties, celebrations, school projects, kid maintenance and so on and so forth. These are the days in which I take things one moment at a time and know that all will be okay (or not and that is okay too). I definitely will know which way is up on Friday...up from my vantage point will be me on the floor LOOKING UP having survived the week, partied with friends and probably a little bit of a spin in my head from fancy cocktails...my hubby is throwing a low key soiree in my honor. Is there a fast forward button on this week?

Tension-level = HIGH

I certainly have overachieving tendencies and I know I'm 'pushing them' on my children..... This week it will be biting me in the behind.

We have 2 science fair projects to get done, a sewing project (which was a bigger endeavor than we had thought but fun nonetheless), 2 book reports and then the normal homework and afterschool activities to deal with. So, my husband and I are 'dividing and conquering' on the science fair projects (ish). Husband's standards are a little less than mine in terms of 'display quality'. He is helping my son with his egg project (why can hens sit on their eggs without crushing them?). I am helping my daughter with her 'pruny finger' project. My son's display is all hand written ON the display board. Daughter's display will have construction paper and content GLUED to the display board (to make it 'pop'). Both kids are doing the actual "work" for the project, the parent is guiding/hovering (in my case). Anyway, it will be quite obvious that two different parents were "involved" in the projects which cracks me up. Tonight we are in our '11th hour" of getting the projects completed. So we'll be testing the strength of egg shells AND pruning some fingers in cold and hot water. If you happen to pass by the house, you'll notice the 'tension-level' will be maxed out due to kids getting annoyed with parents for asking them to write it ONE MORE TIME AND NEATER and parents getting annoyed when the kids AREN'T FOCUSED.

Of course these projects COULD HAVE BEEN DONE EARLIER...but what is the fun in that?

Gratitude X 10

Here is what I'm grateful for as I enter my 40th year of life:

1. I'm in a stable, happy and loving relationship with my husband



2. I have two lovely, happy, compassionate, healthy children



3. I have two loving parents who are still alive and still married



4. I have two loving parents-in-law who are still alive and still married



5. I have siblings and siblings in law whom I love and they love me back



6. I have nieces and nephews who are awesome human beings



7. I have friends around the globe whom I cherish



8. I have roof over my head



9. I have my health (minus some knee issues)



10. Life has been good to me!

The more light you allow within you, the brighter the world you live in will be - Shakti Gawain

Don't ya' love it when...

...a friend asks you to lunch on a whim, you share a few menu items and a cocktail, and catch up on what is 'going on' in life. That was my Friday afternoon.

I'm kinda glad I did that because I then had to speak in front of 400 kids about our 8th Annual 5K race fundraiser we're having. I had them 'eating out of my hand'!

The lunch hour cocktail 'took the edge off'.

One upmanship

When I was a kid, I wanted braces, glasses and a broken limb....can you say ATTENTION HOG!

My wishes were not granted. I had NONE.

My daughter now has one up on me with her sparkly new braces. I am hopeful for her sake that is all that she 'oneups' me!

Well my son, life is not fair

Son: Mommy, since Daddy and I put the seat down for you and Princess, why don't you leave the seat up for us?

Mommy: Well son, this is what one might call a 'double standard' wherein boys just are "expected" to do this for the girls and not the other way around. And anyway, do you want us to fall into the toilet?

Son: (Starting to look a little disappointed in this logic) Mommy, but we do it for you why can't you do it for us?

Mommy: Honey, it is just one of life's mysteries that you'll just have to accept and do and it really isn't a fair trade is it?

Son: No it isn't (verging on some tears).....(he is a sensitive soul)

Daddy comes in, puts his arm around Monkey and basically says, "sometimes son, it just isn't fair...but we can stick together, you and I".

And they walk out together arm in arm....

There was a "life is not fair" story in my 'family lore'. My brother was complaining about something to my aunt and claiming "it isn't fair!". In a bit of a huff, my aunt took my brother and sat him (my memory might even be a friendly shove) on the couch and strongly stated "LIFE is not fair". My memory is quite shady on this because I was many years younger than my brothers, but I seem to remember this event either from it being told so often, or from actually being there. I think my brother would argue that he had been given many indicators that life isn't fair...but I have to say, he's shouldered that burden quite handsomely. Perhaps Aunt Mary's 'life lesson' is what he needed to buck up and be the amazing man he is today (even though his nickname IS Eeyore).

In my opinion, life IS fair (and not only because I have a 'Polly Anna' life). I am beginning to believe that all of the experiences we have in life (good and bad) are happening at the right time to the right people to bring us to the purpose we are meant to have on earth. I know that sounds all airy fairy, but in my heart, I'm beginning to believe that everything is perfect...good and bad! 'Nough Said.

All dreamy

My dream last night made me laugh this morning. I had a dream within a dream which was kind of groovy and weird at the same time. Here are the 'deets'....

In my dream, I dreamt (in other words, I was dreaming IN my dream), that I was in NYC and walking along the streets where it was sort of dangerous and buildings were demolished all around (and I get the sense it is because of our current economy). As I was walking up this hill, I came across Sigourny Weaver and her daughter (holding an umbrella). I ended up walking with them and chatting and I'm guessing becoming friends (because that is what I do with celebrities). THEN, I find that I'm out of the dream and walking along a very similar street 'thinking' wow, I dreamt this and then I wonder if around this bend I'll see Ms. Weaver and then lo and behold, there they were up ahead just around the bend. And so the 'reality' played out just as my dream had. Then I found myself in a parking lot and I came across Geena Davis in a car with her son. So, since I'm all about talking to celebrities I decided to approach her and discuss what just happened to me; how my dream had become reality. She said, well of course that is possible as long as you are aligned with some 'spiritual calling' (or something like that) then your dreams will often/always become true. We continued to chat and became friends too. I told her I'd write about this in my blog (so I'm honoring my commitments here) and I gave her my blog details and my email.

That is all I can remember but what a funny dream. I always laugh at myself for 'becoming friends' with celebrities. I know it somewhat has to do with my 'what if' scenarios that I'm sure I've thought about over time. The fact that if I DID meet someone famous that I would not want to come across as 'fawning' and be more authentic and treat them as I'd treat everyone else and hence then they would want to be my friend - right? But, I also was intrigued by the symbol of my message that essential says "If you dream it, it will come".... That sounds pretty cool and it not surprisingly aligns with a lot of what I've been reading about in terms of the law of attraction which some might think is a load of HOOEY...but I'm finding that it feels good to think positively, to align with your 'energy' with the things that feel good and right and to avoid what you 'don't want'; to work toward what you want, but not to 'push' because if you 'ask' and let go of the 'graspiness' that might follow, you'll find opportunities that you might have missed if you were focusing on the 'not having of it'. Boy that was long winded and probably only made sense to ME, but there, I'm done....now off to reality of a sick boy at home (watching Mr. Roger's Neighborhood....what a creepy flashback)....'sweet dreams'.

Wizardry

A while back, I named my inner Lizard...remember, her name is Alice (as in Wonderland).

Well, yesterday I was reminded that in the book Finding Your Own North Star, Martha Beck also describes that we possess the opposite of a Lizard within us (well, lets not get too technical because I have no idea what the 'true' opposite of lizard is but...). The opposite of our lizard (our negative fight or flight speaker in our head) is our inner WIZARD...so the only thing that is really opposite (which it isn't) is the W versus the L and it isn't like they're equidistant apart in the alphabet or anything....goodness, I've gotten off track.

Well, this morning at 3am as I could not sleep, I decided to check in with what my WIZARD qualities are and to name it. Yesterday, I heard on a call someone describing her wizard and she automatically named him Charlie (a supposedly male name - bet there are female Charlies as well). So, I decided I'd be all "hear me roar" and not do a male name. Let me list the qualities (10 of course) first and then I'll introduce you to my inner wizard.

1. Courageous
2. Practical
3. Can-do approach
4. Rational
5. Insightful
6. Giving
7. Creative
8. Intuitive
9. Empathetic
10. Strong

So as I was thinking of names that might represent some of these qualities, I thought of Amelia (as in Earhart). I don't know much more about her than she was a pioneering woman pilot (and she went missing) but her 'I can do anything' spirit seemed to speak to me. AND, the names Alice and Amelia have a ring to them. I think I'll introduce the two soon and I'm hoping that Amelia will be a good role model for Alice. Another technique is to find where they both belong 'in your body'. Alice seems to want to sit on my left shoulder and Amelia definitely fits in my chest near my heart and lungs. Both my lizard and wizard aren't too far apart in location but I like that Alice is on the outside of me and Amelia is within. As was Amelia, I am ready to fly (how corny is that?). I've got my seat belt buckled, parachute strapped on, air mask at the ready....here we go (MORE corny). Now as I've written this whole metaphor for my 'strong' part of me, I see it is linked to flying...curious that...I'm not that big into flying...but I'm getting better. Ready for take off!

Cramping my style

Last week my daughter was home sick 2 days.

Today is my son's turn.

• I had plans!
• I have a class to attend.
• I have clients to meet.
• I have homework to do!
• Oh the humanity.

Thank goodness for digital babysitters. I know this won't look good on my "Mother of the Year" application....but I don't f'ing care!

Gratitude X 10

I've decided to do a list of 10 things that bring me joy (besides the obvious)

1. Rainbows (saw some today in the sprays behind cars on the hwy)


2. Dolphins (I swam with a dolphin in FLA as a teenager)


3. Humming birds (my daily visits from them make me pause and simply enjoy)


4. Baby laughs (oh my goodness, the purest sound I've ever heard)


5. Puppy dogs (I love puppy dog 'spirit' and my kids and I are always 'personifying' them)


6. Crafty writing (can't get enough of it)


7. Connection with people (my lifeline)


8. Naps (can I buy back the ones I tried to skip out on as a kid)


9. Eagles (they're more abundant out here)


10. Flowers (they're here and more to come...hallelujah)

I took this picture today at a photoshoot...that is my 11th joy...photographing babies!!!!

Vicious Cycle

One of my demons is housework. I am not a born organized (BO) person. I have been trying to train myself (or fool myself) into it, but it is a daily battle of which some days I hold my ground (never feel like I win) and others where I lose (and sometimes lose big). It is this really BIG stumbling block for me because I know that ultimately it is my thoughts about housework that are causing this grief, but I cannot seem to change my thoughts. Housework is NEVER ENDING and even if I feel like I've given it the Girl Scout try, it still is NEVER DONE. If I get the house to sparkle, I know that there is a closet that is about to spill its guts. OR if there is sparkle, I know that under the couch are 3 year old crumbs. For every step forward, my brain will remind me of what isn't quite done.

My husband is essentially a BO....and his parents are too. Having spent time at their house I see behaviors in both my in-laws that are clearly passed down to him. He cannot stand piles, he must have cleared surfaces, his first instinct is to tidy before anything else (if there is something to tidy). Having said that, it only goes so far....for example there are piles that are 'out of sight' and that is fine with him. And "clean" to him is a tidy home (not a sparkly home). I say none of this in a judgement way, it is as much "fact" as I can describe eventhough it is subjective.

So, knowing that my husband likes tidy (and ultimately I do too), I spend each day trying to get to tidy...BUT my tidying is more of a perfectionist scenario. If I am going to go around and 'spiff' up the house, I'll be putting all of the laundry away folded in its right place, I'll be sifting through the magazines to purge, I'll put all the toys away in their right place, and then I'll be distracted by an untidy shelf and spend time doing that....so in so many words, I cannot turn on the 'good enough' button to efficiently get the house to a nice state vs. a perfect state. Then, by the time I've almost got the place tidy (to my standards)...I'm wiped OUT....so the cleaning doesn't happen. House 'on the surface' looks awesome BUT PLEASE do not try to focus (just put your eyes at a half glaze) or you'll see the crumbs, the handprints, the dust, the toothpaste spit, the ring in the toilet, the unmopped floor (and so on and so forth 'til eternity). Daily I feel as though I am putting out these clutter fires and NEVER able to get to the next level of clean. And SO my brain is constantly reminding me that eventhough you spent 2 hours doing stuff you HATE you are not done, nope, not even close.

AAAAARGH stop the madness. What is a person to do? THEN...there are those friends that are BO AND they are clean too AND they seem to always be 'on top of it' AND their kids seem to magically put their things away AND, AND, AND.....I'm thinking hypnosis...that is what I need...does anyone have a recommendation?

Foggy

Today is the first day in a very long time that I have actually had a little 'blankness' in my brain as to what to wax on about...so...hmmmm what to do? I'm just going to free form write and see what comes out.

So...hi, how ya doing? I'm doing OK. I have a stye or something else growing on my eye which is probably due to some hay fever. I had a boring board meeting last night, but made up for it by having after meeting drinks with some of my friends from the PTSA. I have been desiring a 'salty' drink, so my drink of choice right now is a dirty martini...the dirtier the better because the vodka can be strong. I like the olives too. I wonder if I have some sort of deficiency that I'm fulfilling? I have a sick daughter at home for day 2. She's been a trooper and actually will do some 'schoolwork' in between Disney shows. She also has a reading goal by next Thursday that is actually going to be tough to achieve...but because she is not an innate reader, she does it in spits and spurts. My son is starting his coach pitch baseball and I still laugh every time I see his 'cup' to guard his "you know what" that isn't 'cupworthy' yet....so I laugh. Hmmm what else is up? My 40th birthday is 2 weeks away and I think I'm going to throw myself a party. I don't feel lame about it at all (throwing my own party). I'm a big girl now and if I want something, I can get it and not feel bad about it at all. The party will really be a Friday night 'wind down' from the work week, as much as it is a party. My weight update is that my weight said 137 yesterday (down a pound)...that is progress. I've been eating better and doing MINIMAL fitness.

What else? The books I have 'on deck' to read are Tribes by Seth Godin, Leaving the Saints by Martha Beck, and When You're Engulfed in Flames by Davin Sedaris. New websites I've found are

1. http://www.ittybiz.com/,
2. http://www.rockyourday.com/
3. http://www.ducttapemarketing.com/
4. http://www.twistentertaining.com/.

Other blogs I 'stalk' are

1. www.christinekane.com/blog ,
2. http://www.dooce.com/
3. http://www.gnooze.com/
4. http://www.coolmom.com/
5. http://www.buckhollywood.com/
6. http://www.parisafghanistan.com/
7. http://www.chrismorea.com/
8. http://community.abcfamily.go.com/blogs/brigitte-dale
9. http://www.escapefromcubicalnation.com/
10. http://www.michelewoodward.com/blog.html

...to name a few. I love reading these blogs and more...and if anyone has any others to check out...bring it on. I wish I could somehow get paid to stalk blogs...that would be awesome. I like topical, funny, witty, inspirational, and practical stuff. All right...now I guess I should go check on my sick kid, AND get stalking. Thanks for letting me ramble....

A Mirror has two faces

My mother is going to love that I am blogging about this!!!!

So today my mother told me (and asked me not to comment) that she had gone out and bought 'cheap art supplies' to do some art journaling. Normally, I would say...good for you mom, that sounds fun, tell me how it goes. But, there is more to the story and it is RICH.

In February, my mother told my father that she would like to do more drawing and arty things...for her soul. So, the kind man went out and bought her some supplies. My mother's response was...those are TOO expensive. My first question is TOO EXPENSIVE for whom? They may be pricey BUT they can afford it, and my dad felt she was worth the expense. Fast forward to yesterday. She wanted to do art but felt the fancy art supplies were TOO GOOD for her artwork. SO she went out and bought cheaper (which is funny because now the TOO EXPENSIVE art supplies are even MORE EXPENSIVE now because she has double the amount of supplies for what she really needs).

My hairs were on end, my heart was sinking....why can't this woman believe that anything she does, no matter how big or small, is worthy of only the best. Why can't we all realize that we are worthy of gifts and we are worthy enough to use them (to the nub)? I was very honest with my mom and told her that I believe that some of my own 'worthiness' issues probably stem from this belief system she has about herself. I did not, in any way, intend to tell her this to make her feel bad, but I wanted to paint a picture that the belief system wasn't serving her well AND IN FACT isn't serving others very much either. What IF, the expensive luxurious art supplies inspired her, made her feel rich and lucious. If that is all that they did, they were well worth the cost. She will be a better person, a better wife, a better mother by realizing that she deserves great things in her life. As I write all of this, I am visualizing a 'big ole' mirror in my hand shining it right back into my face...because I need to have a little sit down with myself on this very topic. We can get all psychotherapy about it and find the "source" of this belief system (Depression Era parents come to mind) but REALLY is that valuable? Those parents are no longer with us and they really have no say in the matter (and they never really did). So, the beautiful thing here is that right here, right now, we can start shifting the belief and starting to broaden our perpective of what we are worth and how we are valuable and how we are deserving....we have the power to choose our thoughts and our actions....SO...I say to you, what are you denying yourself because it is 'too good' for you? OR, you are saving it because it is too special? Right now at this moment, I'm not sure what that is FOR ME...but I do have some new fancy face lotion that I was saving until my old inexpensive face lotion was used...so that will be my first step to "allowing" myself to have fabulousness in my life!

And by the way Mom, if you use up all your expensive supplies...I personally will buy you a new set because YOU ARE MORE THAN WORTH IT!

Its all in how you say it

Lately I've been focusing on how I phrase things and what I let out of my mouth. I am more conscious (but still have a ways to go) about my speech. I have decided to as much as I can put things in the affirmative and to try not to use words that conjure up what I DON'T want. My kids and I have been reading about this in a book called Sara. My daughter actually really latched on to this concept and could see how valuable it could be (ish). For example, instead of saying 'don't run' in the hallway, you can say 'walk' or even more broadly say, be safe in the hallway. That is a very 'remedial' explanation of this...but you get the point.

So, I've been trying to describe a situation where I've decided to make bold action. In that bold action, when I describe it, sometimes I feel compelled to say why and what is wrong. The more and more I focus on what is wrong, the more I feel like that is where my mind and heart is versus what I really want. So...as much as I can, I'm avoiding the negativity in it all (sort of).

Another example of this phraseology just came to me this morning. I've been dreaming and scheming about how to make momentum on my business, what my niche might be, who my clients are and what makes me excited to coach. In the meantime, I'm noticing and 'working in the space' of where I've felt a lot of energy and excitement in my recent past. One area I've found is motivating people to 'clean out clutter'...either in their actual physical space, or their thinking. Both are exciting and I think both are related so I'm toying with this concept. I've even started to form a mini group of people I know and starting to spread my thoughts about it. I've gotten to the point where I'm thinking of upping the anty and starting a social network site (which are easy to find and adapt to your needs) to start being more deliberate about my communications, having it available as both push and pull information, and seeing if there is a 'community' for which I can serve...and possibly eventually make money with. I am not using money as my driving force...I am using my energy, desires, inspiration and all that jazz. So, what to call this site? I started my emails with the phrase "Utterly Clutter-free"...catchy right? The domain name is taken by a UK company. I might still be able to use something like this in the social networking realm. Anyway, as I was thinking about the title, I was thinking...hmmmm, it has the word Clutter in it. Clutter brings stressful feelings and images (maybe a select population thrives in it...but they are not my target). So, should I go with something more uplifting but also gets to the point (paints a picture) of what my intentions are...to free your space, your life and your thoughts of clutter and other limitations. So...then there were other kind of crazy phrases I tossed into 'godaddy' with no avail. My point is...I want to start walking the walk and talking the talk of positivity (my brother just threw up right now). I think there is NO HARM in being positive, the alternative reads "Blech" to me..... So for today I wish you all a wonderful, stupendous, fantabulous, fantastic day! Cheers!

Things I love

about my kids (times 10).

Princess

1. Her confidence


2. Her love of dance


3. Her ability to sing


4. Her beautiful big eyes


5. Her style (way beyond her years)


6. Her compassion


7. Her ability to 'get it' at an early age


8. Her wry humor


9. Her story telling


10. Her deep warm hugs

Monkey

1. His back rubs


2. His hugs


3. His smile


4. His sensitivity


5. His love for fitness


6. His cozy body on my lap


7. His ability to play


8. His compassion


9. His comfort with himself


10. His innocence

Tough times call for bold action

Here I am in all my glory today March 9, 2009 in the CRAZY SNOW doing CRAZY THINGS. Today I planned to take a picture of myself to post on my blog to make a bold and serious statement to the world that I am ready to make a commitment to myself to eat healthier and to get fit. Then it started snowing which made it even a MORE bold statement (brrrrr). I've had it with the 10 (+) pounds that I have been talking about but not getting rid of. So...by golly, if showing the Internet my body doesn't give me incentive, I don't know what will. I did not come up with idea on my own. There is a fellow coach of mine named Cindy Willick who has a 'channel' called Baring It All. Another fellow coach took her photo in the snow for all to see too. I had been meaning to do this myself for months now...and I've been eating poorly and being a bit lazy lately so this is my last ditch effort to take a stand for my body! In the spirit of Bridget Jone's Diary I will also post my weight. As of this morning (with no clothes on) I weighed 138lb. I know in my heart that I am not really that overweight OR that I look that bad...but I do feel that there is a slippery slope and I am feeling as if I'm at the crest of it and REALLY don't want to go down it (I've seen friends and family on the slope and I see the struggles it causes).



The history of this is that for all of my adult life up until about 2 years ago, my weight had a handy dandy way of staying within a comfortable range of 125-128. That weight would stay even when I lived a whole year in London "living large" (as it were). I got a bit cocky with this range (ie would push the outer limits of unhealthy eating and imbibing). When I was in graduate school and very stressed out I actually dipped low to about 110 and as much as it felt good to see that number, it wasn't a normal healthy range for me. Before having my daughter I followed the Zone diet and was at something like 119 and then when breastfeeding her I got back down to 121....all of those times were circumstances that I either had EXTREME control over or extenuating circumstances that reduced my weight. I no longer have my handy range, I don't have extenuating factors, and I've lost some of my self control. Quite frankly I am not interested in becoming STRICT dieter. I just want to hover back in the healthy range I had in my 20s and most of my 30s. I'm realizing now that it is something I'll have to work at, but it isn't an unreasonable task....it'll take a little discipline, a little discernment, a little discretion but....it is achievable. Because it is only 10 pounds, I feel that THIS is the time to take control...because the higher it gets of course the more effort it will take.

My daughter took the picture and picked the bathing suit. I didn't tell her I was trying to get skinny, I told her I'd like to eat healthier and exercise more in order to BE HEALTHY. I told her that by focusing on good foods and fitness that my heart and body would thank me AND...as a result my bathing suit would fit better. As for the bathing suit...about 3 years ago I did a major focus on my weight and fitness and felt pretty comfortable in the suit...I don't feel that way now (and may never again)....but it is my benchmark...you've got to start somewhere.


So...there it is, I've bared it all and I feel that butterfly feeling again (like when I stated my WIG)...but again, it is a good butterfly feeling like I know I can do this and I know that I'll be fine even though everyone has seen me in close to nothing....life still goes on....the world still spins...in fact, I've set something 'in motion' inside me that is very exciting. I'll keep you posted.

Gratitude X 10

1. Writing


2. Reading


3. Resting


4. Celebrating


5. Loving


6. Exercising


7. Eating


8. Playing


9. Laughing


10. Living

Pure and simple

To Market, to market

This past week I have been inundated with the bad news of the economy EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN'T BEEN WATCHING THE NEWS.

I've heard about more people losing their jobs, our school district having to slash $10 million (and counting) from its budget, and my husband felt compelled to talk about the 'free fall' of the economy with me. I actually welcomed his discussion because I was feeling anxious about "not knowing" what was going on. So...last night in my asleep/awake states, I formulated my blog about this (ish) and here is what I feel needs to happen....

1) Our mainstream media sources need to have a POSITIVE NEWS month wherein they are NOT ALLOWED to report on anything related to the tanking economy, war, asteroids....whatever might be BAD at the time.

2) ANYONE who is NOT IN DEBT, has a job, pays his/her mortgage and is making enough money to buy things MUST GO ON A SHOPPING SPREE (both in the stock market and in the shopping malls). Now this coming from MY mouth (so to speak) is hilarious because I HATE spending money...but I always have. I am not the person who has caused this mess...I already was living within my means (to a fault) so...for me to even think about spending my money is funny...but I am now feeling like it is my CIVIC DUTY. I feel like our shopping malls are now our charitable responsibilities because those malls have employees, those employees need jobs to pay bills and so on and so forth...yadda, yadda, yadda....

I'm sure there is a lot more to be done...but that is what my brain came up with in the middle of my sleep. Now...I'm off to buy SOMETHING...which is painful...so be gentle.

Barbie World

My daughter has recently taken up playing with her dolls again. In fact, I might say probably for the first time. We've had dolls upon dolls in the house but there hasn't been a strong association with them. I have many stories about dolls and I may just tell them all right here right now...including my human doll experience (that'll keep you reading until the end).

First Doll memory: I was not allowed to have Barbies (plain and simple). I have never sat down and asked my mom the full reasoning. I believe the cost of them was a factor but maybe the womanly body shapes too? My friend Cathy had her fair share so it wasn't like I NEVER played with them...they just weren't in my house. I was able to have the 'short lived' Sunshine Family which upon research sounds like it lasted from 1974-78...that was a real 'winner' I see. No one puts Barbie in the corner!!!! Fast forward to my daughter's life. I decided to continue the 'no Barbie' idea in that I personally would not buy my daughter any. Weeeeellll. Me not buying them did not stop her from having around 20 of her own perky breasted ladies to play with. When Princess was about 4 she would ask me to play Barbies with her. It took every ounce of my will power to agree to such an event BECAUSE, a) I really don't like playing with dolls and b) my daughter was SO BOSSY that she didn't make it a pleasant experience. My thoughts were always..."listen babe, if you want me to spend this 'quality' time with you, you need to give me some positive reinforcement or else I'm outa' here". I think my negativity around playing with her and the dolls was related to deep seeded issues in childhood. When I played Barbies with Cathy she too was bossy and domineering (I remember feeling like a 'second fiddle' a lot with her).

Doll Memory 2: Ever since I was very little my grandmother would buy me the collectible dolls made by Madame Alexander. I had so many beautiful dolls. They were displayed in a glass front shelving unit in my room. When I was between 6-8, I remember having to make a very serious decision every night. We lived in a one story house and my room had a floor level window that you could easily climb into if you wanted. So at night I'd have to decide if I was going to face the window that the ROBBER would enter OR face the CREEPY eyes of my dolls staring at me. It was very stressful...I remember that! My daughter now has the dolls on a bookcase in her room. She has indicated the creep factor as well but says she's ok with them being there. She has recently taken to undressing this collector dolls and playing with them too. As much as I should probably ask her to refrain from doing that...collectibles are a little lost on me...I say play with them because their other option is to be boxed up and put in the attic...either way they'll be mistreated.

Doll Memory 3: When we lived in Iceland, a very influential man (at least to my Dad) came to visit us for dinner. He saw my doll collection and said that he too had a collection of dolls - all of which were clowns. He flew back to the states and shortly after I received a gift from him. He sent me one of his clown dolls to add to my menagerie of dolls. The one problem...the clown doll was Poltergeist creepy and he had an evil laugh that freaked me out. Needless to say, said clown is no longer in my posession (as possessed as it was).

Human doll experience: I think one of my fondest memories of my children as babies was lovingly dressing them (especially into their evening jammies). Currently, my children are fully capable human beings and can easily dress themselves. However, sometimes I humor them and dress them in the morning as they are still snuggling in their beds. This act has varied levels of meaning for me 1) is to let them 'sleep' a little longer while also being ready for the bus. 2) I love to be able to touch their warm and loose bodies 3) I know that they sometimes like to be treated as younger than they are (and I'm cool with that) 4) ONE DAY this activity will be verboten by them (sooner than I'll want) so I'll take any human loving contact I can give them.

I think little girl fascination with dressing and undressing baby dolls is 100% instinctual in terms of training them for their offspring care...at least that is my scientific opinion!

Holy Blue Taffeta Batman

My father just sent me this blast from the past photo from my Senior Prom (Naples, Italy 1987). There are too many things to say about this photo...but here goes a few:

HOLY COW I had blond hair

HOLY COW that is a crazy blue dress with matching lace gloves

HOLY COW I had blue eyeshadow on my eyes

HOLY COW I looked terribly surprised

HOLY COW I treated that poor boy like doggy doo doo.

So, the story goes that my friend Jules had a date (Ricky) and I didn't. I was only at the school for 1 year and had decided that I wouldn't do much 'dating' as I was going to be graduating and moving onto greener pastures. So, Ricky had a friend named Jeff and he needed a date too. Well...I was a pure PITA about this prom date thing. I did not like Jeff (in the boyfriend kind of way -I am not partial to mustaches for one thing) and so I decided to treat the boy like dirt so that he didn't get any ideas. The poor boy was probably just trying to have a date so he didn't have to fly solo and I put him through some great psychological hoops. I barely talked to him leading up to the event. I acted sullen and boring in front of him. I was just a pill. He probably had an awful time before, during and after the event (there was an after party where I extended my lovely evil princess torture).

To this day, I feel like a real heel about this. So...Jeff, if you're out there, I apologize for being a turd and I wish you all of the happiness and good fortune you deserve. Now an apology to myself...Chief, I am sorry that you felt you had to create a hostile environment to feel protected against the risk of having a kind and friendly relationship with another human being due to the social expectations of what "Prom Date" might mean. I also apologize to you young Chief that you did not have the confidence to either state your intentions OR to say "no thank you" and be comfortable in your own skin to go to Prom alone. Now...the true genius in this recap is to try to extend this life lesson to my young children and instill the confidence of being honest, real and true to yourself at all times...HOLY COW that is a tall order!

Another lesson is that Royal Blue Taffeta, matching gloves and eye shadow is a fashion NO NO. I actually saw Paula Abdul on American Idol with a similar color and equally gaudy look...need I say more?

WIG

Martha Beck in her book Finding Your Own North Star talks about WIGs - Wildly Improbable Goals. These are essentially the goals/ideas you have about yourself that seem big, wild, a little crazy, but something that gets your insides to do a little jump. Collins, J. & Porras, J. (1994, 1997, 2002) Built To Last has written about this idea termed BHAGS (Big Hairy Audacious Goals) for companies. So as much as the concept is not necessarily new, Dr. Beck writes about them as individual dreams that one might have.

I'm thinking that perhaps Barack Obama had at some point in his life had such a goal. It seemed way out there, it seemed like it was maybe a little bit too crazy to even admit, but he probably said..."What the hell, I'll give it a go, it doesn't hurt to dream'.

In a coaching group I was in in the fall, we were encouraged to write such a goal. I was feeling somewhat uninspired by myself so I decided to write the first thing that came to my head...to not over think it...to not try to be eloquent and 'perfect' about it (as I am oft to do) and I wrote...I am paid to write. Just writing it now makes my insides get a little gooshy and perhaps some throw up in my throat (I'm sure you are glad you know that). That feels BIG and HAIRY and it also feels at this point improbable as I have zero prospects on this front BUT I am compelled to write (daily), I believe in myself that I am a good writer, I enjoy doing it, I get jazzed when I am praised for it...so just as Mr. President might have once done this very thing...so am I.

The really crazy and coincidental and serendipitous thing is that AS I AM WRITING THIS, my daughter asked me to do those fortune telling finger games (has been know as the 'cootie catcher') she got in a magazine. We went through the ritual AND my fortune....I am not kidding on this was....You'll write a best selling novel for girls. What the? I'm not sure I had a novel for girls in mind...but hey, I'll take it!.

Now I will tell you the impetus for me writing this. It is from a lovely two sentence note that my husband sent me yesterday that filled me with love, hope and inspiration. The note read...I wanted to let you know that every time I read your blog I am so impressed with your writing. You are a great and awesome writer. How cool is that?

So...How about you? Is there something in depths of your core dying to get out that makes you kind of feel a little woozy...what is it? Have a go at writing it down. Even get crazier and announce it to your friends OR in your blog or make a poster out of it....the bigger you are about your goal and how you 'engage' in it I bet the more likely you will set the wheels in motion to achieving it. Will the end result be the same as your WIG maybe/maybe not...It could even be bigger and MORE awesome than you can imagine....you've got to start somewhere! Oh and by the way...you can have more than one WIG (its all the rage).

No gnus is good gnus

....with Gary Gnu

OK now seriously. I decided that I will not watch the news for the month of March. This is proving to be a little challenging because a) there are news commercials b) my husband has been sharing the bad news (like Bank of America being $2 a share...he almost took a job there) c) I still watch Oprah which also has current 'chatter'.

So...the jury is still out on whether I will watch Oprah. The main goal of this is to reduce the "chatter" in my brain of negativity in the world. I am not trying to reduce my grasp on reality, but I actually don't believe the today's media is a supporter of reality and in fact creates a false reality. My reality right now is that I have a loving family, I live in a town with great nature and people, I live in a home that is warm and cozy, I am able to feed my children three square meals a day, my husband still has a job, and I am pursuing my own career successfully SO...reality in my little corner of the world is going pretty well (minus the 401K dearth, plummeting stock portfolio and home value tanking...but TIME is also something I have). I think if I can keep my current "reality" moving on all cylinders then I can also help others in ways that might improve theirs as well.

If I start engaging in the media's message that I shouldn't be feeling ok about my life then I believe I'll start making decisions that will in fact make my life "not ok" and then 'all hell will break loose'....so, I'm operating on the "ignorance is bliss" principle with the knowledge that if there is something I NEED to know, I'm sure I will find it out soon enough! SO THERE (thumbs in ears, waving fingers, tongue out at the news media).

Snoozapalooza

Often my morning ritual is pressing the snooze button 3-5 times before I actually get up. As much as I hate the FIRST sounding of the alarm, every subsequent one is followed by a glance at the clock and a warm cozy thought that goes something like this....one more snooze, yeah I have 15 more minutes, push button and snuggle back down into the covers.

I did this ritual (probably more like 5-10 times) in college and I am certain that my roommate HATED it. I am curious to hear her thoughts on that part of our relationship. Sorry Amis!

Something about 15 more minutes of sleep brings happy warm thoughts to my mind. I often wonder though if the stop and start of sleep in 15 minute increments could do something to the brain? I guess I'm willing to take the risk.

Gratitude X 10

1. Beautiful weather


2. Bulbs blooming


3. Trees budding


4. Nature walk with kids


5. Night out with husband


6. Clean sheets


7. My husband's cooking (every night)


8. Nectarines


9. Girl Scout cookies (addictive)


10. Looking forward to the month of March.

"Rabbit, Rabbit, Rabbit": In high school, a family friend told me to say that on the first of every month for good luck. I did it today (for the first time probably ever)...so I have hopes for an awesome March!