Triple Crown

Yesterday was a triple crown day for me LITERALLY.

Here is the convoluted but funny - to me - story. I had a dental appointment to replace a tooth with a crown. I also had a phone meeting that was at risk due to this dental appointment so I told my team that I was getting a crown and made a joke that it was the kind in the mouth not on the head which is what I'd prefer. The meeting facilitator said that my penitence if I should miss the meeting was to make my own crown for my head.

That thought provided levity for my dental appointment. My dentist, being the light hearted dentist that she is, said she actually had a princess crown (see picture) for me to wear AFTER my tooth was fixed. So...I had a tooth crown, a princess crown (which sadly I had to leave at the dentist office) and then at home I decided to make my own pathetic crown (see other picture) anyway just for kicks (even though I was able to make my phone meeting). This little goofy morning activity was the perfectly liberating, joyful, silly act that I could do and it was the comic relief I needed (see side note below). Unfortunately all of this "crowning around" made me a bit impish on my phone meeting. Luckily the call leader had skills in managing imps.

Side note (please be advised that this is not for the squeamish):

I have now found my LEAST FAVORITE dental procedure.

• I used to hate the Novocaine needle...now I'm at peace with it.
• I used to hate the drilling noise...now I'm at peace with it.
• I used to hate the smell of tooth dust...now I can tolerate it,
• I used to hate the excruciating pain when the Novocaine doesn't work...well, I'm not at peace but I know I'm capable of handling it
• NOW MY NEW HATE...the process of "testing" whether a crown fits by clicking it INTO place and then REMOVING it OVER AND OVER AND OVER...its sort of like a groundhog day experience with tooth extraction and it is VERY DISTURBING. Just the thought of it makes me feel like hurling. I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS. THIS IS THE SURGEON GENERAL WARNING...tooth decay leads to crowns which are NO FUN TO HAVE PUT IN! AND YES I AM YELLING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why is it?

Why is it that when I HAVE TO BE HOME I want to be somewhere else, but when I am home on a normal day, somehow I end up wasting the day anyway? The net result is the same, BEING HOME...but the thoughts about it are what are different.

Right now I am smack in the middle of the 4 hour window of when the 'fix it' person is supposed to be here and I keep thinking about what I could be doing right now...grocery shopping, returning books to the library, and so on and so forth. If I weren't chained to my house, I'd probably be doing the very same thing I am now BUT I'd be thinking, "boy I SHOULD get out and go to the grocery right now, but maybe I'll check my email one more time, or check on facebook, or see if maybe something in the food cupboard needs to be eaten by me right this very minute".

So here is my opportunity to do some self coaching because neither 'thought sequence' is a kind one and so...why not look for a better feeling thought and see what actions I would take. This process is taught by Brooke Castillo in her book Self Coaching 101.

Circumstance: At home waiting for repair person

Thoughts: I could be doing errands outside the house right now

Feelings: stuck, restless

Actions: obsessive internet activity (email, websites etc) and kitchen visits

Results: getting nothing done, beating myself up and wanting to eat when I'm not really hungry!

INSERT BETTER FEELING THOUGHT

Circumstance: Same as above

Thought (better feeling): Since I am staying home, what can I do that will feel good to me?

Feeling: empowered, excited, intrigued by what my answer might be

Actions: Make a list of things that might feel good to me

Result: My list is surprisingly "housework" focused on making beds and picking up clothes BUT I know the feeling of accomplishment and 'calm' that outweighs the physical effort for me.

I am now inspired to get "something done" and it is on my terms (within the umbrella of being "stuck at home").

Now I am off before some other thought creeps in!

Gratitude X 10

1. Sunshine
2. Parties
3. Valentine heart candies
4. Morning walks
5. Long talks
6. Pictures of snow
7. Anticipation of a mini-vaca
8. New acquaintances
9. Eighteen year old niece
10. Feeling good

Muchos Gracias...

...El Nino!!!!

For two days in a row I've seen:

• An eagle
• The sun
• Blue sky
• Puffy clouds
• 60 + degrees on the thermometer
• My pasty white arms

Stop, drop and....

I am practicing a skill that is tough for me but one I think is worthwhile...and that skill is to "Stop and Listen". I have to say I am actually a great 'stopper and listener' when it comes to friends and clients and even my extended family because I don't see them that much...but it is the ones nearest and dearest (my nuclear family) where it gets a little tricky, but possibly is the most important place to actually practice and hone it.

So...with my husband when he is telling me about his day, I stop what I'm doing, turn my chair toward him, look him in the eyes and really listen and ask questions and participate in the conversation. I know my brain does some flips and wiggles every once in a while because either the kids probably need something, or I was almost finished with something else of my own. It is a learning curve for me, but I am consciously and deliberately doing this. With my kids it's even more tricky because sometimes what they are talking about is 'so not interesting to me'...or could be said much more 'to the point' and I'm tempted to rush them along...BUT...I am purposefully, stopping in my tracks, looking in their eyes and allowing them to say EVERYTHING they wish to tell me. I'm not doing this to be a martyr or anything, I am doing this because it isn't really the words they are saying that matters (even though those do too) it is the energy we are exchanging that matters and so if I lovingly and compassionately and hopefully unconditionally sit and witness the life of my family members then I've contributed to the cosmic goodness of human kind (in that moment) in the best way I know how. From there, they possibly will be able to do the same either back to me or for someone else. Another added benefit that I hope is true is that when my kids (and husband) really DO have something important, scary, confusing, powerful or out-and-out AWESOME to say, they will believe that I AM listening and that I DO hear them and that I WILL support them.

We're all connected and I believe the energy and intent we 'give off' is palpable so if I can come from that place of peace with my family...it feels as though I AM making a difference. This has been a learning experience and I am not always good at it, but be for darn tootin' sure, I am conscious and deliberately witnessing how I "show up" with my family.

A funny little story about this...my daughter caught me in mid 'chore' where she was talking with me while I was in motion to do something (probably wipe down the bathroom) and I stopped, in the middle of the hallway, turned and listened to what she had to say. At some point in her conversation, she hesitated and asked why I wasn't 'moving along' with my chore and I said..."because my sweet darling daughter (well maybe I didn't say that but I wish I had), you are speaking with me and I wanted to listen to what you had to say". Who knows if what I said to her had any 'karmic impact' but I'd like to think so! It felt like I was giving a gift and boy does that feel good!

Deja vu

So, I'm noticing a trend here that I'm sure I've noticed before. January essentially felt the same as last year. February is shaping up the same as 2009 too. Golly, if I'd had a diary (oh yeah, I do right here), I could see what I was feeling on this day last year and see if it feels the same...let me look...well, I'll BE, my February 3rd does feel like this.

I have an upswing of energy. I feel more organized and directed. I've started making my reasonable but stretching lists of what I want to accomplish. I am starting to set some structure in place for what I want to accomplish this Spring and beyond. It feels EXACTLY the same as I did last year...as if I am Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. The interesting thing about this is that there are two ways to think about this phenomenon: 1) is to lean into it and let it roll from year to year and play out just the same way OR 2) recognize where I want it to be different (especially the energy wane in January) and come up with ways to circumvent the "system".

It could be that it is NO USE and whatever I try to do differently, the end result will be the same. Luckily, I have this on record so that I can go back and see how next year plays out. Also, with every year I am "wiser" about my patterns and my choices so maybe just maybe, the loop will be broken and newer and perhaps better days are ahead this time next year. I like the idea of both accepting "what is" but also knowing that I can chose to change it if I so desire. At the end of the day, it is all a matter of perspective. I could say, "boy, I like the hibernation feeling of January, and then the feeling of stepping out of my cave in February, it feels like a regenerative process" versus "boy, January always sucks for me. I cannot seem to get my act together and I end up wasting the days and not getting anything significant done. I'm always glad when January is over."

Which one feels more like freedom? I think I would like to chose freedom over helplessness...just a thought!

Limits

I am spending this month trying to set limits on all kinds of things like:

1. Doubting myself
2. Playing it safe
3. Avoiding my thoughts
4. Delaying my plans for myself
5. Eating too much candy
6. Wasting time on mindless computer "stuff"
7. Wasting time beating myself up about wasting time
8. Staying up late

I WILL NOT LIMIT:

1. Hugs from my kids
2. Meaningful conversations with people I enjoy
3. Reading
4. Getting to know ME
5. Walks with my friend
6. Check ins with my 'peeps'
7. Viewing online writing and videos that inspire me, or make me laugh, or both
8. Saying good things about myself
9. Being grateful
10. Loving