Gratitude X 10

1. Pink blossoms on trees


2. Yummy flower smells all around


3. Rain to help keep the blooms fresh


4. Rainbows that I didn't see but I knew were there (my friend confirmed)


5. Friends who help in a pinch to pick up my son when I've goofed and scheduled an appointment right at the time he needed to be retrieved.


6. My new friend Mary who fits like a glove, we must have been BFFs in a former life.


7. Networking opportunities, and me showing up authentically for them


8. A "push" to get my website further along


9. My clients allowing me to do what I love


10. My intention for next week...Ask myself "what next?"

Ole' Teddy

Yesterday, my second grade son represented Theodore Roosevelt at a "human wax museum". I am so blessed to have witnessed this for many reason:

• creativity of each child (and associated parent)


• sweet voices singing about being a hero (tears came to my eyes)


• confidence of some; timidity of others...both worthy of a tug on the heart


• willingness of the school to offer this program


• excitement of my son to become a president


• fun to play dress up with my human doll


• look on my son's face when EVERYONE complimented him on his outfit

Besides adding visual representations of the president like glasses with a chain attached, a suit, American flag pin, and mustache...we added a few clues about his story. Roosevelt was a Cowboy after being president so my son wore boots and the teddy bear was named after him.

In honor of this president, here are a few quotes him.

He spoke my language,

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.

A lesson I need repeated to me often.

Believe you can and you're halfway there.

You've gotta laugh at this one

Don't hit if at all honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit soft.

Honestly

I am in one of those moments where I feel that I want to air my own dirty laundry...it just feels like a good thing to do. For the past 2-3 years I've developed a not-so-good habit. I tend to fall asleep on the couch at night and then stay there until morning. The habit has its twists and turns; I make progress and then slip, I beat myself up and then I make excuses and so on and so forth. Not good, not proud and kinda want to put an end to it. I know this sleeping habit has so many things wrong with it and here is my time for a list:

• TV is often left on so wasting electricity


• TV on means not a good solid sleep


• What is on TV probably filters into my subconscious and either brings fears OR unwanted desires for random stuff being hawked at 3am


• Multiple wakings in the night


• Horrible self talk during the night


• Probably not the greatest for the couch


• Bad sleep can be attributed to a lot of unhealthiness including weight gain


• Not a good role model for my children


• Not a nice message to send to my husband regarding where I choose to sleep AND just so you know this isn't about him (except on some extra loud snoring nights)


• It makes me want to or choose to lie about WHY I stayed out of bed


• If I do WANT to go to my bed after waking up at a random hour (say 2am), I choose not to because there have been many times that I've caused my husband to wake up and then experience insomnia himself


• I tend to go to bed later than I wish to


• I tend to wake up way too early for my health and well being (3am today)

Here are a few of the lies I've told myself:

• Since not everyone likes my shows, I have to watch them when they're in bed (hello! Oprah, Desperate Housewives, Brothers and Sisters...to name ONLY A FEW)


• I often say: I will watch just one more show and then head to bed (most times I fall asleep during the show)


• If I go to bed when my husband wants to, I won't be able to fall asleep


• When I cannot get to sleep I start having catastrophic anxiety (planes crashing, pandemics, crazy world leaders doing crazy things...you name it, I'll make it BIG)


• This is the last night I'm going to do this


• If I don't go to sleep before my husband, his snoring will keep me up

These lists could go on and on, I'm sure. I suspect this habit has been forming over my adult life-time. I think some of the reasons get mixed and muddled depending upon the day. I don't like this habit at all (and I suspect I'm not the only one in my birth family that does this). Is it a genetic flaw? Is it an adult onset issue? Am I avoiding some deep stuff by keeping this unhealthy pattern? All legitimate questions. At the end of the day, I am not proud, I am often frustrated with myself, I feel guilty when it comes to how my husband probably feels and what he thinks...BUT I haven't stopped. What will it take? Maybe this outing is the first step. I don't want to come up with some punitive challenge for myself because I've done that before...and look where it got me (still stuck).

So...my thoughts are brought to two things 1) Forgive myself for being human. This may take some time and daily thought work and 2) Do a 4 Day Win - this is a tool I learned from Martha Beck and it goes like this:

1. Identify what you want, how you want to feel, and what the benefit of the change you want will be.


2. Detail the steps to take toward achieving your goals from #1. Then break those steps down to even smaller steps, and then even smaller and smaller until you have what is lovingly called Turtle Steps (remember the Tortoise won the race...not the Hare)


3. Decide on a daily reward for taking Turtle Steps and bigger reward (think something that gets you really excited) for completing a 4 Day Win. The rewards are where the WIN part comes into play. Note: these rewards don't have to be expensive (but can be if you choose, and can afford it) AND/OR if you have issues with eating, I'd avoid food rewards.


4. Pick the first and tiniest step (it should almost feel foolish and 'naughty' as to how small it is) and do it for 4 days.


5. Reward yourself daily for taking the Turtle Step (small reward) and on the 4th day give yourself a bigger reward.


6. Assess whether that same small step needs to continue to build momentum OR if you can step up to another tiny step that moves you closer to your goals and do another 4 day win


7. Repeat steps 2-6 until you finish all your steps AND/OR you've formed a new healthy habit

It should take approximately eight 4 day wins to make a possibly permanent switch. The goal is to build toward a habit in a gentle, loving, kind, forgiving, rewarding and dare I say, fun way.

Now back to my sleep challenge: It is obvious to me that this feels like a BIG ISSUE and it feels at times INSURMOUNTABLE, so my best bet is to relax and be kind to myself. I choose to focus on the goal of gaining momentum, feeling accountable, feeling motivated and eventually having healthy sleeping habits.

My first 4 day win will be to write my goals for sleep and my turtle steps for achieving these goals in a small notebook labeled HEALTHY SLEEP. I will take 2 minutes a day (for 4 days) and write in it. My reward for each day that I do this will be to watch one of my "shows" DURING THE DAY (Tivo'd). My 4th day bigger reward (Saturday) will be brunch with my family. This feels kind, gentle, not scary and definitely doable and I absolutely love going out for breakfast.

I like to think that just as those in AA probably are told...the first step to Recovery is to ADMIT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM...that, my friends has been accomplished! Peace Out!

Childlike

Today as I ate my Life cereal and remembered that I LOVED Life cereal as a kid, I thought of all the things I've done recently that might resemble what life was like for Little Laura...and a few came to mind.

• Playing with dolls = my daughter and I played Barbies yesterday...who knew she could bend in the ways we made her?
• Outside adventures = a long windy walk with my kids on Sunday and me trying to skateboard (emphasis on trying)


• Snuggling up with a good book = snuggling up with a good book on Sunday


• Eating candy = taste testing my Valentine Jelly Bellys with my kids


• Playing dress up = dreaming up a Theodore Roosevelt costume for my son's "human wax museum" at school


• Messy rooms = letting the pile of clean clothes sit on the floor for a few days...and walking right past it


• Nonsensical sayings = having a 'word fight' with my kids where we can see who can say "I love you more than you love me" the most...ending in all of us with our eyes closed, fingers in our ears and saying "la la la la la la" ...I never win (and that is OK by me!)

I cannot tell you what a change in perspective I have by just witnessing where I have been and CAN BE more childlike and playful. Now I think I'll get the markers out as I brainstorm the content for my website...that is called "bettering" a task...and am actually feeling excited about it!

Gratitude X 10

1. Blue skies


2. Sunshine


3. 50-60 degree weather


4. Smell of outdoor on my kids


5. Warm sun on my face


6. Children resting in sunspots on the rug


7. Walking and talking with friends on sunny days


8. Sneaking into an apartment clubhouse to use the "facilities" on walks with friends


9. The forecast for our spring weather here in the PNW


10. Crocuses blooming early

Rest

"Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop."
Ovid, ancient Roman classical poet and author

That is the statement I choose to allow freedom from judgment on my day of doing pretty much nada. And please excuse me as I return to my nothing-doing.

Alignment

My writing, as you may have noticed, has been few and far between as of late. It is all good. I think I needed a break. I have been groovin' in terms of making some progress on my coaching and other "things" in my life and I think that is the space that I needed. It is Friday (can you believe it?) and I am looking forward to a sunny fabulous weekend (there are NO COMPLAINTS out here regarding the weather...thanks to El Nino). As you might have seen in my posts, I like to tell stories about my life and so here is one from the other day.

I woke up at 3am (yes 3am) and could not get back to sleep. So, I decided to write and write and write whatever was on my mind. I wrote about good things, frustrating things, bad things, and and everything in between and then for each thought I noticed how I felt and for the frustrating and bad I questioned my thoughts about them (through self coaching) and turned them around completely or at sometimes just to feel a little better. It was like I was massaging my mind and my heart a little. It felt good and rich and liberating all at the same time. So then my day continued and I noticed a lot of little amazing coincidences throughout the day, information and people showed up just at the right time when I needed it, or I'd notice that I'd say or write something and then read it somewhere right after I said it. I've had these kind of experiences before and I love to notice them, and celebrate them.

So,what was going on that day? What made that happen? In my armchair analysis it is the following:

1. I freed my mind of the chatter and pull of negative beliefs and moved it to better feeling thoughts


2. I gave myself the space to feel good


3. I felt good all day long


4. I did things that I valued; connection, progress toward goals, gratitude


5. I noticed

In a nutshell, I think I was aligned and from that space I was able to see where the dots were being connected in my life and I got more and more of it because of the above and because of my noticing. So...I am going to continue to test this model and see what transpires. I love the 'peaceful easy feeling' that I had that day and would love for that to be the norm!

Lots and nothing

So you might have noticed some silence on my end. I can make excuse upon excuse but alas I just haven't made the time to write. Firstly we had a mini-vaca to Idaho where we skied and splashed in an indoor water park. I had many life lessons in my time there, but I feel a little 'spent' to wax poetic right now. I have been quite busy and productive doing I don't know what, so it is all good. I miss my writing but must save my better writing for another. Until then...anon my good friends.

Triple Crown

Yesterday was a triple crown day for me LITERALLY.

Here is the convoluted but funny - to me - story. I had a dental appointment to replace a tooth with a crown. I also had a phone meeting that was at risk due to this dental appointment so I told my team that I was getting a crown and made a joke that it was the kind in the mouth not on the head which is what I'd prefer. The meeting facilitator said that my penitence if I should miss the meeting was to make my own crown for my head.

That thought provided levity for my dental appointment. My dentist, being the light hearted dentist that she is, said she actually had a princess crown (see picture) for me to wear AFTER my tooth was fixed. So...I had a tooth crown, a princess crown (which sadly I had to leave at the dentist office) and then at home I decided to make my own pathetic crown (see other picture) anyway just for kicks (even though I was able to make my phone meeting). This little goofy morning activity was the perfectly liberating, joyful, silly act that I could do and it was the comic relief I needed (see side note below). Unfortunately all of this "crowning around" made me a bit impish on my phone meeting. Luckily the call leader had skills in managing imps.

Side note (please be advised that this is not for the squeamish):

I have now found my LEAST FAVORITE dental procedure.

• I used to hate the Novocaine needle...now I'm at peace with it.
• I used to hate the drilling noise...now I'm at peace with it.
• I used to hate the smell of tooth dust...now I can tolerate it,
• I used to hate the excruciating pain when the Novocaine doesn't work...well, I'm not at peace but I know I'm capable of handling it
• NOW MY NEW HATE...the process of "testing" whether a crown fits by clicking it INTO place and then REMOVING it OVER AND OVER AND OVER...its sort of like a groundhog day experience with tooth extraction and it is VERY DISTURBING. Just the thought of it makes me feel like hurling. I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS. THIS IS THE SURGEON GENERAL WARNING...tooth decay leads to crowns which are NO FUN TO HAVE PUT IN! AND YES I AM YELLING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why is it?

Why is it that when I HAVE TO BE HOME I want to be somewhere else, but when I am home on a normal day, somehow I end up wasting the day anyway? The net result is the same, BEING HOME...but the thoughts about it are what are different.

Right now I am smack in the middle of the 4 hour window of when the 'fix it' person is supposed to be here and I keep thinking about what I could be doing right now...grocery shopping, returning books to the library, and so on and so forth. If I weren't chained to my house, I'd probably be doing the very same thing I am now BUT I'd be thinking, "boy I SHOULD get out and go to the grocery right now, but maybe I'll check my email one more time, or check on facebook, or see if maybe something in the food cupboard needs to be eaten by me right this very minute".

So here is my opportunity to do some self coaching because neither 'thought sequence' is a kind one and so...why not look for a better feeling thought and see what actions I would take. This process is taught by Brooke Castillo in her book Self Coaching 101.

Circumstance: At home waiting for repair person

Thoughts: I could be doing errands outside the house right now

Feelings: stuck, restless

Actions: obsessive internet activity (email, websites etc) and kitchen visits

Results: getting nothing done, beating myself up and wanting to eat when I'm not really hungry!

INSERT BETTER FEELING THOUGHT

Circumstance: Same as above

Thought (better feeling): Since I am staying home, what can I do that will feel good to me?

Feeling: empowered, excited, intrigued by what my answer might be

Actions: Make a list of things that might feel good to me

Result: My list is surprisingly "housework" focused on making beds and picking up clothes BUT I know the feeling of accomplishment and 'calm' that outweighs the physical effort for me.

I am now inspired to get "something done" and it is on my terms (within the umbrella of being "stuck at home").

Now I am off before some other thought creeps in!

Gratitude X 10

1. Sunshine
2. Parties
3. Valentine heart candies
4. Morning walks
5. Long talks
6. Pictures of snow
7. Anticipation of a mini-vaca
8. New acquaintances
9. Eighteen year old niece
10. Feeling good

Muchos Gracias...

...El Nino!!!!

For two days in a row I've seen:

• An eagle
• The sun
• Blue sky
• Puffy clouds
• 60 + degrees on the thermometer
• My pasty white arms

Stop, drop and....

I am practicing a skill that is tough for me but one I think is worthwhile...and that skill is to "Stop and Listen". I have to say I am actually a great 'stopper and listener' when it comes to friends and clients and even my extended family because I don't see them that much...but it is the ones nearest and dearest (my nuclear family) where it gets a little tricky, but possibly is the most important place to actually practice and hone it.

So...with my husband when he is telling me about his day, I stop what I'm doing, turn my chair toward him, look him in the eyes and really listen and ask questions and participate in the conversation. I know my brain does some flips and wiggles every once in a while because either the kids probably need something, or I was almost finished with something else of my own. It is a learning curve for me, but I am consciously and deliberately doing this. With my kids it's even more tricky because sometimes what they are talking about is 'so not interesting to me'...or could be said much more 'to the point' and I'm tempted to rush them along...BUT...I am purposefully, stopping in my tracks, looking in their eyes and allowing them to say EVERYTHING they wish to tell me. I'm not doing this to be a martyr or anything, I am doing this because it isn't really the words they are saying that matters (even though those do too) it is the energy we are exchanging that matters and so if I lovingly and compassionately and hopefully unconditionally sit and witness the life of my family members then I've contributed to the cosmic goodness of human kind (in that moment) in the best way I know how. From there, they possibly will be able to do the same either back to me or for someone else. Another added benefit that I hope is true is that when my kids (and husband) really DO have something important, scary, confusing, powerful or out-and-out AWESOME to say, they will believe that I AM listening and that I DO hear them and that I WILL support them.

We're all connected and I believe the energy and intent we 'give off' is palpable so if I can come from that place of peace with my family...it feels as though I AM making a difference. This has been a learning experience and I am not always good at it, but be for darn tootin' sure, I am conscious and deliberately witnessing how I "show up" with my family.

A funny little story about this...my daughter caught me in mid 'chore' where she was talking with me while I was in motion to do something (probably wipe down the bathroom) and I stopped, in the middle of the hallway, turned and listened to what she had to say. At some point in her conversation, she hesitated and asked why I wasn't 'moving along' with my chore and I said..."because my sweet darling daughter (well maybe I didn't say that but I wish I had), you are speaking with me and I wanted to listen to what you had to say". Who knows if what I said to her had any 'karmic impact' but I'd like to think so! It felt like I was giving a gift and boy does that feel good!

Deja vu

So, I'm noticing a trend here that I'm sure I've noticed before. January essentially felt the same as last year. February is shaping up the same as 2009 too. Golly, if I'd had a diary (oh yeah, I do right here), I could see what I was feeling on this day last year and see if it feels the same...let me look...well, I'll BE, my February 3rd does feel like this.

I have an upswing of energy. I feel more organized and directed. I've started making my reasonable but stretching lists of what I want to accomplish. I am starting to set some structure in place for what I want to accomplish this Spring and beyond. It feels EXACTLY the same as I did last year...as if I am Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. The interesting thing about this is that there are two ways to think about this phenomenon: 1) is to lean into it and let it roll from year to year and play out just the same way OR 2) recognize where I want it to be different (especially the energy wane in January) and come up with ways to circumvent the "system".

It could be that it is NO USE and whatever I try to do differently, the end result will be the same. Luckily, I have this on record so that I can go back and see how next year plays out. Also, with every year I am "wiser" about my patterns and my choices so maybe just maybe, the loop will be broken and newer and perhaps better days are ahead this time next year. I like the idea of both accepting "what is" but also knowing that I can chose to change it if I so desire. At the end of the day, it is all a matter of perspective. I could say, "boy, I like the hibernation feeling of January, and then the feeling of stepping out of my cave in February, it feels like a regenerative process" versus "boy, January always sucks for me. I cannot seem to get my act together and I end up wasting the days and not getting anything significant done. I'm always glad when January is over."

Which one feels more like freedom? I think I would like to chose freedom over helplessness...just a thought!

Limits

I am spending this month trying to set limits on all kinds of things like:

1. Doubting myself
2. Playing it safe
3. Avoiding my thoughts
4. Delaying my plans for myself
5. Eating too much candy
6. Wasting time on mindless computer "stuff"
7. Wasting time beating myself up about wasting time
8. Staying up late

I WILL NOT LIMIT:

1. Hugs from my kids
2. Meaningful conversations with people I enjoy
3. Reading
4. Getting to know ME
5. Walks with my friend
6. Check ins with my 'peeps'
7. Viewing online writing and videos that inspire me, or make me laugh, or both
8. Saying good things about myself
9. Being grateful
10. Loving