What month is it?

OK, I've ordered the straight jacket just in case I do really lose it. The weather here is abysmal and I've had it! Right now it is 48 degrees and it is raining, and it has been this way all week. The weather man (and he is a man on the channel I'm watching) keeps calling it October/June... neat! They've even reported snow at the higher elevations...isn't that neat too! I'm usually 'go with the flow' on things even regarding the weather, but I think I've found my breaking point. The only silver lining in this whole thing is that last year at this time it was much warmer and the poor kids were learning in little 'boiler rooms'. The other thing about boiler room classrooms is that when the kids get to 4th grade they move up a floor in the building. You know that heat rises, right? Well, heat rising, hot day and 100+ (pre)pubescent teens makes for an interesting and stinky learning environment. My kids aren't 'there' yet, so we've not experienced this phenomenon, but it isn't far away.

Last night I was sitting at the dinner table with my face toward the window. The sun actually decided to peek out of the clouds to tease me. The sun was shining straight into my eye making me squint. My sweet son offered to close the blinds. I turned to him with an almost psychotic look and said, NO! (in a nice way of course because I am the most wonderful mom in the whole wide world, right?). I sat there, closed my eyes and took in the sun for the moment that it was there. That is called 'living in the moment'....well the moment left me (and so did the sun) and I had a 'little' spark in me for a bit. But now I'm back to my near nervous breakdown status.

At the top of my lungs

Two nights ago it was 'chucking down rain' to use a British term that I love. The weather here...well...it sucks. It has mainly been rainy and cold for just about a FULL YEAR. I am not hopeful that it will change to the 'fabulous summers' that I'm told happen here. It just doesn't seem possible that the rain and cold will ever go away; its never ending. I think the 'weather dial' up in the atmosphere is stuck somehow and some weatherperson needs to go FIX it and NOW.

So, the weather that night had gotten on my very last nerve and I decided that a good scream might help. So, I announced to my family that I was going to "scream into this here pillow for a bit"...and I did. My kids first looked wide-eyed and then they smiled but still weren't certain if mommy 'was right in the head' (she wasn't). I settled down for a bit, but then the rain and wind picked up again....so I went in for another scream. The kids were more comfortable with this one. I had one final bout where I needed to let it out and this time I decided I wanted to hear what the real scream sounded like. I warned the family that this was not a test, it was the real thing. They prepared themselves with their fingers 'half in their ears'. My husband said worriedly that our 'nosey neighbors' may in fact feel as though they need to investigate...and I said, well let them. So, I belted it out once again. It was a good scarey kind of scream one might expect in a horror flick. It felt good and it did release something in me. I might need to do it again tonight to let out the frustrations I'm feeling about my previous post. Maybe it'll be a nightly ritual. This leads me to the story about another scream I've let out in my life....

We were living in Raleigh, NC circa 2004. I had just returned from a road trip and was unloading our luggage. We had street parking, so it was a haul and I left the door open to make it speedier. All of our stuff was in, I shut the door and we went on our merry way as a family. We happened to be in the back room watching the 'tube' when my husband said he needed to make a phone call to our neighbors who were having us over for dinner. I hear him on the phone talking quite bruskly with our "friends"...such words as HEY MAN, WATCH OUT MAN. My thoughts were "how rude" and I decided to go see what all of the fuss on the phone was. As I turned the corner I see my husband "interacting" with a black man in our kitchen. Well, my first reaction was NOT IMPRESSIVE. I let out the biggest girliest scream you can imagine. I recommend NOT doing this if you are ever in this situation. This aggitated the dude and he took us all back into our back room where our kids were...gulp. He asked both of us to go get our wallets and our jewelry. I reasoned with him to let us go one at a time so our children would not be frightened (which oh by the way they were anyway). So, he takes me first and says where is your jewelry. My first (and again notso-smart) reaction was to grab the engagement ring on my finger and say "please don't take my engagement ring". Well I'll be darn tootin' if that burglar man was kind enough to let me keep it but he wanted to see the rest of my jewels. I followed his instructions and gave him the box with my "jewels". He threw the box down and said "where are your diamonds". This is where I wish I could have pressed pause so that I could have a moment to think of my crafty response because what I said is, "I don't have any, we don't have that kind of money"...but what I wished I had said was..."YEAH HUSBAND, where are my diamonds?" (just kiddin' puddin'). Anyway, he didn't like what I had to offer so he put me back with the kids and led my husband out to his wallet. Luckily my husband had just gone to the cash machine so the $200 made Mr. Burglar happy enough to decide to leave us alone. The whole time he was moving us around he had his hand covered by his jacket. I sincerely do not believe he was packing the heat, but when there are children involved, you don't want to take that risk. He finally made his way out and announced that "he would come back and kill all of us" if we called the police. Guess what, we called the police. I don't want to go on and on about this because it is long enough, but good news, he was apprehended a few weeks later and he got into some trouble. One of the things he was charged with was kidnapping. I found that to be interesting. Because he moved us from room to room against our will, it is considered kidnapping.

My reaction to the whole thing once the dust had settled was that of Empathy which is sooo weird and confusing to me. My take on the "story" was that we were living near the 'hood (in an historic neighborhood) which was a risk WE had taken, the man was down on his luck, he saw our door open and was planning to 'dip in and dip out'....unfortunately I shut the door and he was stuck inside (our door beeped when opened and shut). I have often referred to him at the Benevolent Burglar since he let us both keep our wedding 'things'...my ring and my husband's watch I gave him. I chalked it up to a man born into the wrong family and so he was destined to be right where he was. My husband on the other hand, still feels to this day that he'd like to 'kick the crap out of him' (sorry mom) if he EVER had to see the man again...I guess "proud papa bear" is protecting his cubs. Anyway, my most recent scream scenario, while not as dramatic, is my preferred way to scream...you should try it sometime!

Can you imagine? I cannot!

This was forwarded to me today:

Dearest Teachers and Staff,

I ask everyone if you would please pray for my mother. The doctors say that they will only give her a month or two before she could die. But they have made mistakes with others and I am hoping that they have made that same mistake.

I want to ask everyone to please keep her in your thoughts. Thank you.

Love,
Alexis (the daughter of a mom in our school - see post below)

A Matter of Perspective

A family at our school is dealing with the most undeniably awful news. The mom has been "fighting" cancer since November and the current prognosis is weeks to a month. There are no appropriate words to describe how helpless, hopeless and downright sad we all feel about this scenario. I keep trying to write my thoughts and they just don't seem to come out right....so I'll just write them as they flow and you can decide how to 'put it all together'.

I have wanted to help this family out but am only remotely linked to them. In the beginning, I felt as though it would be a burden to the family to have a 'remote acquaintance' offer help. Luckily their support network has set up a system where they can ask for help and it can be delivered without having to disrupt the immediate family too much. I've done a little bit, but it never feels like enough. I know they need meals, but my meals would not be enough (I don't cook AND to provide a meal, I'm thinking it needs to be the whole kit and kaboodle not just an entre...that is a big stretch for me). Early on in this awful scenario, I had offered to photograph their family for them. The mom (the one now dying) was appreciative and asked to delay the photographs until her hair fell out and grew back...well, that is not an option now. I reoffered my services earlier this year when they got more bad news thinking that any documentation at any point that they'd want could be something I could give. I know photography is the last thing they would be thinking of, but I'm thinking that at some point, these moments in their life (regardless of the fact that they are awful) will be moments to remember and pictures can help...but again who wants to think about photography at this point.

So, I wait and I read and I cry and I commiserate and I ask why...but is there ever a good answer to this one. The husband has been journaling about their situation since the beginning and he has written some amazingly poetic, funny, sad, hopeful, faithful, uplifting, and spiritual entries. He is a gifted in writing. I hope that someone can collect his writings and bind them for him (maybe to be published) because they are that good. Maybe that is something I can do. Anyway, his last post was the one that announced the current prognosis and at the end he wrote this (I've edited mainly to make it read appropriately if you've not read the entire entry and I took out her name):

With the help of a friend we started a list today of things [my wife] would like to do while she has the time. I won’t write about her list here, but through my tears I added one item that I want to do. We planted a butterfly bush at our other home before we moved here and it was so small when we planted it. It has grown and grown and I’ve found that I can’t pass a butterfly bush without thinking about her and remembering the day we planted it.

....A sense of immortality comes back to me when I see butterfly bushes and I remember [HER]. I remember.

How can you not cry with that one. Anyway, his reference to butterflies reminded me of my dearest friend's brother's funeral (I don't want to even go "there" on his fight with cancer). They had printed a poem for all who knew him (I couldn't attend the ceremony but was given the poem). I of course cannot locate it when I need it so I think this is the right one that I found online:

I AM NOT THERE
Do not stand by my grave and weep

For I am not there.
I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am diamonds that glint on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning hush

I am the swift uplifting rush of butterflies in joyous flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

I am not there.

I did not die.

Unknown

Anyway, this whole scenario smacks some perspective square on my face. The myriad minor 'whatevers' I have to deal with REALLY DON'T MATTER. I am grateful, I am grateful, I am grateful...but I am also sad. Hug your children, call your family, reach out to a friend, forgive a transgression...that is what matters!

Kermit has a point

I'm in a list making mood today, so I thought I'd do my blog as a list. The list is the 10 things I do that are green.

1. Reusable bags for shopping for over a year (the clerks always give a little glare when I arrive)


2. Recycle paper, bottles, glass and plastic (all in one bin thanks to Waste Management)


3. Shop at consignment stores (fashionable, cheap AND recycling)


4. Put food waste in yard waste bin (husband isn't as vigilant so I've been know to forage through the garbage for things like coffee grounds and vegetable clippings...yuck!)


5. Ride the bus /bike when possible (this is more of a goal than a practice at the moment)


6. Only go grocery shopping once a week (sometimes we are 'cupboards bare' but I hold out as long as I can)


7. Reduced number of "one off" trips in the car (eg to run errands, back and forth to school etc). Carpool to events as much as possible


8. Recycle clothes, toys and 'things' at Goodwill


9. Organic foods (when and where we can afford it)


10. Other normal stuff, turn off lights, reduce heat

Here are things that I struggle with. I take a shower daily (except when I'm being a sloth on the weekend). I have been "blessed" with man hairs on my legs so I shave every single inch of my legs daily for aesthetics AND because it 'bloody hurts' when I don't. So not only do I shower daily (which some may say is a good thing), but they are long due to the shaving thing. I guess if we win the lottery I could invest in the laser hair removal process...that just sounds PAINFUL.

I also have been known to fall asleep TOO OFTEN in front of the TV and so the TV is on all night long (naughty, naughty). I also don't turn off my computer as much as I'd like. I think that we could reduce the heat more in the home but sometimes I am cold to the core; maybe due to the floor to ceiling windows and wood floors and bad insulation OR maybe the weather stinks here.

A new 'guilt' thing that is creeping in on me but unrealistic is that when we go to 'fast food' joints I see so much food waste, paper, plastic etc going right into the trash and it seems so wrong. It would be so great if they could separate out waste so we could do our part. I've actually been known to carry my own garbage out of these establishments to appropriately dispose of them at home.

You see, I am a rule follower to a fault (I actually can confidently attribute this to my parents in a good and bad way). So, when I see that the rules are being broken (albeit self imposed or environmentally imposed) I get that lovely feeling of GUILT. Some may ask if I'm Catholic or Jewish...no and no.

Here is one last thing on the topic of Green. Last year I started having these overwhelming feelings of angst over the crazy conspicuous consumption we Americans participate in. It came to me when I was in Las Vegas with my family. We had taken the kids to the M&M store there which is a 'destination' of sorts. This place was a 4 story establishment with M&M memorabilia "crap" EVERYWHERE...pens, cups, shoelaces, key chains, clothing, pillows...you name it they had it. The store was FULL to overflowing and it made my head spin to think that this abundance of CRAP even existed. Why does one NEED this stuff? Why can't we just eat the M&Ms and be happy? This made me think that this is just one little (really big) store in Las Vegas selling this CRAP, how many other stores exist "out there" and how many other product lines have this much superfluous junk for sale. I was overwhelmed to almost feeling sick about it. I still feel this way and that is one reason why I do not participate in the whole 'shopping experience' . I always say that I am not a normal girl. I've never enjoyed shopping and I cannot see it happening anytime soon. I feel as though if I don't buy the stuff (and hopefully others don't either) then perhaps they'll stop making it...but that would take a miracle wouldn't it?

Rat-a-tat-tat

Last week was a 'skin crawling' week with Herman dying and bird splatting, but I did not report on the trifecta event due to lack of time and lack of energy. So here is the story, you know how generally things happen in threes; Well, my third squeamish event happened the day after bird splat day. We were seated at the dinner table as a family (as we do almost every night) and I look out onto our deck to find a lovely RAT eyeballing our bird feeder. It even was doing acrobatics trying to reach up to grab onto the the darn thing. The bird feeder is only 2 weeks old. My inlaws have a lovely array of birdfeeders and houses in their yard and they thought our yard needed one; so while they were here they bought us one. I love their birds, but I also know that they struggle with squirrels so I was skeptical about said bird feeders. The squirrels did come and my inlaws configured a way to keep them at bay as much as possible, it really didn't work out that way AND oh by the way, other varmits have caught on. Needless to say, birdfeeders are OUTA here and rat reduction plans are in the works (aka poison)...but don't tell PETA.

So, this is a great segue into my other RAT story. When we lived in Menlo Park, CA in a rented bungalow in 2001, I had an incident. I had just given birth to Monkey and was dealing with an 18 month old 'spirited' child as well while my husband was off on a business trip. The kitchen and master bedroom were located close to each other. One night I hear a scratch, scratch, scratch noise in the kitchen so I'd run in and try to 'catch a glimpse of it' but of course, when I came, the noise stopped. This went on for several nights. Then I noticed that some fruits would be 'tampered' with. I told my husband of this incident and he blew it off as me being sleep deprived and perhaps my daughter had gotten into the fruit. Then one day I had fed Princess and whisked her into the bath leaving a bunch of food crumbs all over the floor. When I returned, all the food was GONE. Yikes. That really threw me and made me NOT WANT TO BE IN THE HOUSE ANYMORE. But, I had to soldier on. I told my husband of this new scenario and he still tried to blow it off. He thought maybe I didn't remember that I picked it up or that my daughter ate OFF THE FLOOR. So, I'm dealing with newborn, spirited daughter and alien in the house. Then my husband returned from the trip and HE then heard the scratch, scratching and THEN he understood that in fact some THING was doing all of the craziness in our house. He too tried on several occasions to catch a glimpse but with no avail. So, we call the landlord and they have someone come in. They set traps in the crawl space and low and behold it was a gi-normous rat (or so my husband says because I did not want to see). The scratching was the rat eating its way around some foil that surrounded the dishwasher which was the opening where the rat entered. Boy did I feel yuck about that one and had my kitchen 'sterilized' afterward. So, Rats and me.....notsomuch.

Gratitude X 10

1. Happy healthy family


2. Gift from my friend: plaque that says "Search for the Silver Lining"
   
3. Friday evening with friends


4. House picked up (please stay that way)


5. A day of doing NOTHING (yesterday)


6. Kids that enjoy playing together


7. Herman appropriately buried and 'happy in heaven' (see photo)


8. Flowering bushes still in bloom (lots of pink)


9. PTA budget meetings nearly over


10. A not-so-busy week ahead