Blockhead

Yesterday was not the best day for my husband's or my foreheads. Are you intrigued? Would you like me to tell you the reasons? Have I piqued your interest? OK you've twisted my arm, I'll tell....

Yesterday morning my husband was being such a loving husband and trying to get ready in the dark so that I could remain asleep a little longer before the day was to start. He successfully got himself dressed but in an effort to leave the room, he held his hands out to feel for the door and then proceeded to walk right into the door which was open and met him square in the middle of his forehead...his hands never hit the door but his head surely did. Well of course he thinks "now that's gotta leave a mark" and goes on to check to make sure he doesn't have some huge knot on his head for his very important stressful meeting that day. Luckily there were little to no signs of his 'misstep' but what a way to start the day, eh...all in the name of love too!

Fast forward to last night. I was getting my gym clothes on and as I slipped my shirt over my head I swiped my fingernail right down the middle of my forehead. I felt it, it kinda hurt but I thought it was just owie not something that would leave a mark. Was I EVER WRONG. I have a lovely BRIGHT RED (as in blood red) very fine line running down the middle of my forehead and it STILL HURTS. It is like a paper cut on my forehead. How do you explain that one? Well, I was liking an envelope and it cut me? It is so obvious that I told my daughter that from now until it is healed, people who talk to me will only be able to look at my forehead not my eyes. I was trying to come up with a really good story and here is one I came up with...tell me if you think this is good.

I've been having some awful headaches lately and the doctors have no cure so they looked in the alternative medicine books and found an ancient technique where your 'bleed' the patient to relieve the pain. Since it was a headache they cut a tiny slit into my forehead to release the pressure and the blood. How about that?

Not convincing....aww shucks...I guess I'll just have to tell the truth that it was a tiny slip of the hand that caused such an amazingly obvious AND PAINFUL mark. If you see me please TRY to look in my eyes! Thanks.

Moving onward and upward

OK...here is my confession. I do not do well in January. I tried to change that this year. I was prepared to counteract my issues and work through them and NOT do like I do in other Januaries. Admittedly, I did better than last year....but I have some work to do. What is my "issue"? I get into a slump. I lose my energy to do normal daily activities, I would prefer to stay in jammies all day than to get out and about, I set goals for the day and achieve nothing. Some days I read all day and no housework gets done. It feels like an amorphous blob of low energy, low drive and just blah! I attribute this to the upswing of December with Christmas, travel, eating too much, imbibing too much etc. When January hits...I've had it with that stuff and I kind of just 'drop it all'. As I see the last days of this month coming, I actually feel a legitimate excitement for February. I'm starting to set achievable goals. I can see my energy increase. I want to clean my house (ish - really I think it is a Superbowl party that is creating this desire to clean). I have made plans for the month. I can feel my desire for an increased 'energy' toward my coaching practice coming. I am beginning to buzz.

So...hats off to January. I didn't NOT enjoy it, it was just as it was...an amorphous blob. I'm ready willing and able to move to a higher energy level. Am I the only one with this issue? Just curious.

Things I'd miss

Here are things I'd be sad about if I lost them.....

My husband

My kids

My family

My house (shelter)

My engagement and wedding ring

My Mont Blanc pen from my first job

My Grandma H.s Victorian-era necklace (see picture)

My Photographs (thank goodness for online storage)

I may be missing something 'huge' but really I believe I am 'want' for little and the things I hold most dear are few but deep. The 4 on the end are 'material' things but they provide joy for me. Without them I'd be fine, but with them....life is good.

I am grateful!

I vote for fun

This past week, my children have surprised me. They actually have been playing with their toys. For some reason, in my view, they don't play with their toys that much and I have had thoughts of sweeping through their rooms and getting rid of a lot of the 'junk'. Well, this week, they must have sensed this desire because they are playing with all kinds of stuff...legos, barbies, polly pockets, dinosaurs....to name a few. This warms my heart to think that they actually still are little kids with imaginations....I was wondering. By the end of last night, my kids were acting like dogs and decided to have a dog camp. They got their sleeping bags out, and set up camp. It was a school night, but I let them sleep on the floor in their sleeping bags...I say 'screw the rules and enjoy life'.

This morning my daughter joined me in bed for a moment and she brought her sleeping bag. She did something that immediately brought sweat to my pits (pips as my niece used to call them) and shallow breathing. She went head first into her bag. What kid doesn't do that? I didn't. It was terrifying for me to ever have my head covered where I couldn't breath in pure air. I would panic and believe that I couldn't get out in time. I'm sure I would have those same thoughts if I tried it to day. It was fascinating to watch my body react so intensely. I was tempted to ask her to stop...but that is NO FUN for her. So I suffered through and she finally came out with the biggest grin on her face. It was worth my personal struggle to see that face.

Here is what I vow...to say yes more often even when it may not be 'wise' on a school night! This age of my children is fleeting and life should be fun! As my dad has often said: "Are we having fun yet?"

FB

I just joined Face Book on Sunday. I had been prodded before to do it, but this past week 5 different people told me I should try it....so I joined. It felt almost like drug dealers pushing drugs and I took the bait...and by the way FB is like a drug. I can see that it is a time zapper already and I'm just getting to know my way around it. I already have my Internet issues with blog stalking (me doing the stalking) and YouTube strolling and general online waste so, this will be another added distraction.

I've had so much fun finding random people from my past. As much as I'm an extrovert and make friends easily, my life as a nomad has made me feel a little lonely. Lonely in that I didn't really have any High School reunions to go to, OR I don't have the story of that one friend that I went all the way from Kindergarten to High School with, OR that big network of friends who can fill you in on every one's life (not gossip just general curiosity). Just this week I was reminded of friends from my neighborhood in elementary school, high school contacts I'd forgotten about and some college friends I hadn't 'seen' in ages. There is something about just knowing that they are still 'there' makes me feel less lonely. Anyway, this little distraction has been a nice 'security blanket' for me this week that I'm sure will become more robust and interesting as the months go by. I am now imposing a NO INTERNET zone for myself for the next hour so I can clean the house, read some homework and other general real life stuff. I couldn't close the Internet without my daily blog though! Signing off for now.

Writing for writing sake

Today I had a meeting and the other participant didn't show up. I actually suspect that she might have called but a) I cannot find my cell phone and it isn't charged b) I've changed my phone number and my old phone has a message that I cannot hear c) my new phone rang several times but I couldn't reach it d) I don't know how to check voicemail on my new phone. It is amazing to me that every form of verbal communication has failed me today...I find it fascinating not frustrating...but it hasn't moved me to change any of the issues just yet. I am not an avid cell phone user and I just for Christmas got a modern phone versus the kind that has the cord. So...communicating by phone has never been a huge priority for some reason...but I am moving in the right direction....slowly.

Anyway, given that my client couldn't make the meeting, I had time to myself to sit and reflect. I opened my notebook and just started writing. I wrote just what came to my mind. At first I wanted to write on different topics separately...how to start a business, how to get new clients, what I am going to say in a phone meeting tomorrow, how to start a coaching group locally and so on and so forth. Well, my goals for taking time on each individual topic went out the window quite quickly so I just let my mind do the talking. It was amazing how quickly I wrote and how many pages I filled. I had lists, paragraphs, lists, side notes, thoughts, plans and then back again. I decided to end my writing session with the 30 things that came to my mind in that moment. Why 30? That is how many lines were on one side of my notebook. So the list contains both simple household things like clean the toilets to big things like write a business plan. What am I going to do with all this writing?....I don't know. It is possible that it just got out of my brain and into another form, OR I will commit to looking back on it to see if there are any nuggets to pull for me moving forward with plans in my life. Either way I believe it was a fabulous exercise for me to stop my brain from running in circles without an exit...the writing was an offramp for my thoughts. Interesting to me too is that I prefer to hand write in those moments versus type. I am an extremely fast typer (if I do say so myself) so I bet I could really make some amazing leaps...but the writing seems as though it is channeling a different part of my brain that helps me to process the information better...is that true? I have no clue, maybe there is brain research about that. Anyway, I recommend to everyone to buy a notebook specifically dedicated to dumping your thoughts (in no certain order OR if you are OCD..in a very orderly way). You may find that you lift a block in your brain, that you realize you've been putting something off, that you actually like writing and want to do more of it, or you'll realize that your hand hurts and you don't want to do that again and you toss the notebook in the river....either way, it might be something to break the circular thoughts in your mind....I'll get back to you if any big insights come my way!

Gratitude X 10

1. Sunshine


2. Snuggles with my kids


3. Snuggles with my husband


4. Coffee in the morning


5. My almost 9 year old still playing with her dolls


6. My son's toothless grin


7. Being grateful "Gratitude is the heart's memory" French Proverb


8. My friends


9. Connections


10. Love

Energy goes where attention flows

I am trying a little experiment (which isn't going well) where I try my best to not focus on the negativity around me and find what is positive in my life. These times make it very hard not to divert my attention to what is going on in the world. Last night I spent some time discussing the current 'situation' at Microsoft and what that means for us and actually for the whole economy in general. Those discussions while being realistic are really focusing on something that is negative and stressful. There is something to be said for contingency planning, tightening the belt and all that, but in reality nothing has changed for us right now AND we have NO IDEA what will happen in the future...so how much time SHOULD be spent on the what ifs and the maybes?

Today I plan to enjoy my family, my kids' basketball games, time with my husband and sorting out my house....that is what is reality right now and that is positive...so I will spend my energy there (for today).

Mothership is losing power

News from our neck of the woods is not so good. Microsoft is putting people out of jobs and we live smack dab in the middle of the town where the lay offs are happening. My husband works there and yesterday I got many concerned calls. Well, firstly, I never heard the news so I was caught off guard and then I wasn't quite sure one way or the other because my husband hadn't contacted me but was counting on the 'no news is good news' cliche. It is, in fact the case that we dodged that bullet FOR NOW. The forecast for the future is more job losses for the next 18 months so who knows who, what, when or where the next will come. I'm cautiously optimistic that my husband is in a good group that actually brings in some cash for the company. My advice to him is 'heads down' and do a good job...mister!

An ironic thing happened to him yesterday. The doom and gloom of the news and pink slips happened during the day and at 5pm a stretch Hummer limo showed up to pick up my husband and about 20 other colleagues for a swank dinner at the Herbfarm. It felt just WRONG to be leaving the office in such style as the dirge of job losses was playing in the building. In fact, one of the colleagues in the limo had in fact received notice his job was cut.

I am certain that I will know at least one, but perhaps more in this situation and I am going to be learning some new coping skills for helping friends in need. I also am hopeful that we won't be needing the same support down the road...please, please, please say we're OK!

Your story is no good here

Last night, I went out with a whole bunch of my 'tribe' of Martha Beck coaches. We are at many different phases in the process (and confidence). I probably fall at the bottom of experience and confidence so I was soaking in everything that I heard from the crowd and asked pointed questions. There was not a dull moment and let me tell you, we did not just stay on the topic of coaching, I cannot even say what we discussed in mixed company, but it was fun, deep, exposing, sad, self effacing and many things in between. We've known each other for hours really (not days) and it still felt lovely, warm and safe. It felt good.

When you're in this kind of environment where people can smell your BS before it even leaves your mouth, it is humbling. It is also a little unnerving because you realize you have a lot of work to do to 'clean up your thinking' and it can set you back a bit. I am loving my 'process' and know I have a long way to go, but I also know that I have a nice support network to fall back to in times of uncertainty (not financial but mental). By the way, what I mean by BS in not the out and out lie kind, but the story that you tell yourself (and others) that isn't true and it isn't serving you very well. For example...something that came out of my mouth was "I don't have a broad network of people to draw from for a client pool because I'm just a mom who hangs out at school and in my neighborhood and none of my friends would spend the money on coaching"....if there could be a big neon sign over everyone's head when I said that it would say BS with blinking swirly lights. Once it came out of my mouth I knew that they would NOT buy it and would push and prod for me to get out of that story because it isn't true and believing the story will keep me stuck...and stuck doesn't feel good!

Anyhoo....do you have someone who picks apart your 'stories'...you might find it uncomfortable, but it is the BEST way to get at the real you, not the wall of stories and excuses for why you aren't living the life you want to live....I'm off now to do some 'untelling' of some of my stories...SELF coaching is the way to go! I can teach you how!

In the mind of a leader

Top 10 things Obama said this morning to himself (this came to me this morning as I was waking up)

1. Can I snooze just ONCE more?



2. WTF did I just get myself into?



3. Did I really say that last night?



4. The Bushes slept here the night before..ewww



5. Do I really want this job?



6. That man had just ONE job to do yesterday and he messed up MY oath



7. I'm a rockstar



8. I need a smoke



9. When will I ever get a good night's sleep again?



10. I AM history in the making...yowza

Best Wishes

This morning I awoke to the radio obviously reporting on something related to the Inauguration. The moment I realized what day it was my heart started beating fast and my head started spinning with thoughts of what this day means. It was an immediate emotional experience that I am sure that many from our great nation are feeling. The first image/metaphor for this day that came to mind was a 'wedding day'. And here is how it goes:

We spent many years being courted by this man Barack Obama. We fell in love, we are passionate about him and the love endorphins are flowing in our bodies...he asked us to take his hand, and we accepted. We are giddy with excitement of the future and the significance of the event. We are in love and today is the day that we seal the deal. I also fast forward to what it is like to be married and there is some greatness to being married but there are also realities of bills to pay, hard decisions to be made, times where we disagree, times where we are sad, times where we are joyful, times of excitement and then back around again. The passion and 'first love' feelings are replaced by more of a deep love that withstands all kinds of hardships (if we are lucky in love). So, as much as I am also giddy about today and what it means, I also hope that we as a people are realistic that this man is 'just a man' and he will do the best he can but HOLY Toledo he has taken on a huge commitment. It is like he has marrying someone who has been married many times before and who has tons of kids some of whom are angels and some who have some BAD behavior problems. He will envelope all of them into the folds of his love and strength, but there will be challenges and hard times....and then there also will be good. God bless you Barack Obama and best wishes for a life filled with joy, happiness and strength...everyone raise your glasses!

Progress

My son came home from school on Friday all full of information about Martin Luther King Jr. I thought it was so touching and it made me hopeful that he believes in equality and sees how it can make a difference in the world and how utterly WRONG it is to discriminate. It felt that he understood and it was rewarding to discuss this issue with a first grader and see glimpses of understanding. That gives me hope that his generation will be so much more enlightened. Tomorrow's Inauguration is one more notch in the belt for ensuring my hopes.

One picture in his Scholastic Report was of the white and colored drinking fountains. From the looks of it, my son extrapolated that the colored fountain was fed through the white fountain and that the black people had to drink the spit water of the whites. I HOPE that wasn't true...but I wouldn't put it past them back then. Shame on us!

I am excited for the days to come and also realistic that we have a long road ahead of us. I pray that Obama and his administration and all the people (bipartisan) of the US (and world) rally around to make sure we pull up our bootstraps and move forward with what needs to be done to thrive. No matter your political inclinations, it is in our best interest to support and pray for those who lead our nation. Change is good (scary and hard...but good)!

Gratitude X 10

1. The body that carries me through life



2. The mind that keeps me focused on living life



3. The heart that allows me to love life



4. The connections that help me to experience life



5. Introspection



6. Meditation/prayer



7. Knowledge



8. Wisdom



9. Strength (in body, mind and heart)



10. Me

My space

Retreat: A place affording peace, quiet, privacy, or security

I am 'retreating' all weekend. I hop on a call off and on each day to learn cool stuff. I would prefer to be 'off to another place' for this retreat away from my everyday life, but this is good too and I simulate that concept by shutting myself into my office and shutting out the other parts of my world for an hour at a time. Here is what I've been exposed to:

• How to relax and 'retreat'


• Becoming fearless


• Appreciating uncertainty


• Finding purpose

I have more topics to cover until Monday....so...I'm off to my next 'retreat'....see you on the other side.

Good bits and bad bits

Good - I'm starting a 4 day virtual retreat and my morning started with a 30 minute session to set the tone for the weekend.

Bad - I made my daughter cry because I was firm with her about slowing down in her schoolwork (she has been making some consistent mistakes that I know are within her power)

Bad - My son hit his noggin on the spicket when he spit his toothpaste out (tears from him)

Bad (then good) - the kids missed the bus (positive out of it though is that I spent a nice drive with good conversation AND my daughter was actually more huggy and lovey than the day before...hmmm maybe making her cry leads to hugs from her....NO JUST KIDDING)

Neutral - I helped hang pictures for a PTA event (and will do more of it)

Good - I had another call for my virtual retreat and am energized by the speakers outlook http://www.stevechandler.com/

Good - I cleaned my body

The rest of my day is filled with neutral to good activities so, as much as the morning had the potential to 'ruin my day' I have found snippets of times to lift me back up. It is all a matter of perspective....now off to a neutral activity of hanging more art (the good though is that I can be inspired by young artists and smile at their creativity)....tra la la

Visions of the teen years

This morning my daughter was just not interested in being happy with ANYTHING. I decided to just go with the flow, be supportive, not get worked up etc. It was hard to not turn around and say "Why are you being so Bitchy". I didn't...I did at the last moment before she left for the bus say "Darling, I have been nothing but kind to you this morning and I wish you'd treat me a little nicer"...her response was to turn and walk away...nice! I must note that when I "shut" the door, it was with a little more force than normal. I followed my kids to the bus (as I do) and said a lovely have a nice day to them. Daughter never turned around (of course it could be that she didn't hear me). I have to say that I look on this interaction with fascination and not tension. In the past, I would have been tense and grumpy back. It still has a bit of an impact on me (or else I wouldn't be writing about it). I take it personally when someone isn't happy, but I have to learn to respect myself to know that I cannot make anyone happy, they have to chose to be happy. As a parent, I'm sure I have a little more influence than with adults (maybe, maybe not), but at the end of the day, I cannot physically turn my daughter's frown upside down. I plan to have a download with her this evening and ask her if there is something bothering her and see if I can provide some support to her, but that is all I can do....right? Anyway...if she is just in her 9th year, I'm quite interested in what 13 will be like! Fascinating!

My lovely lady lumps

In October, I decided I would change my workout plan. I belonged to the swank gym that is a benefit (of sorts) through my husband's work. We did have to pay, but it was a reduced rate. I am not a "swank gym" kind of girl. I am intimidated by it, I don't buy the 'extras' AND I was very disappointed that we had to pay extra for classes (spinning, circuit, yoga etc). For the same rate I could have joined a different gym and had access to more. Other excuses for not going (which is really what it boiled down to) were that it was a good hour and half of my time (from door to door) that wasn't all focused on the workout...driving there, parking, walking a distance to the front door, walking another good distance to the changing room, and another good distance to the workout room (and then back again through all of the mazes). The thought of that wasted time coupled with the fees, coupled with my lack of desire in the first place really made that gym a place to avoid. So the fact that I paid about $80 a month for nothing was starting to weigh on my conscience (and my pocket book). So, I did some soul searching and decided to QUIT.

In its place, I've joined Curves for half the price. Now Curves is likely to be the exact OPPOSITE of my swank gym. It is no frills, no extra costs, not a very big space, parking in front of the facility, conveniently located near my kids' school and I can get in and out in about 45 minutes. There are some interesting observations though: A) I'm probably more cardiovascularly fit than the system 'allows' B) I am always the youngest one there when I go C) there isn't a varied workout.

If I could be a fly on the wall at Curves, I would be a laughing fly. You see, there are resistance machines that work all parts of the body and between the machines are recovery blocks where you are meant to move around until the lady on the CD says "Change stations now". A lot of my 'friends' there are mildly moving their legs and their arms. I, on the other hand, am seriously kicking my legs as high as I can, or doing knee lifts, or kick boxing or fake jump roping, or jumping jacks...whatever I can to get my heart rate up. I look like a VERY BAD aerobics instructor.

All that being said, I committed to this mode of exercise because it was the most 'excuse free' program I could find. It is only 30 minutes of fitness, it isn't far from where I usually go anyway (the kids' school), it is cheaper, it does work my muscles, I get my heart rate up and bonus, I am the most fit in the building (minus the owner). So, for this year, Curves is how I plan to incorporate regular exercise. Of course walking/jogging, biking and other fitness related activities will be added as I get the inclination.

At the moment, I'm all about consistency NOT swankiness. So there!

What's in a number?

Twice yesterday I focused on my age. Both times I said I was 40. Well, I'm not really 40 YET...but this is the year, so why not just round up. I really am not bothered by that number. I don't pine for my youth, I don't fear what lies ahead, I'm not bummed that I now have to write 4-0 on all of my forms. For some reason, I've never really gotten tied to my age. Maybe I am close to 'living in the moment'. The one thing that I'm not liking about aging is the whole 'body' thing. It is hard to look in the mirror and know that I no longer can be mistaken for someone 'under 21'. I don't get carded anymore. That is the harder part is the 'look of it'...not the 'feel of it'. Having said all of that, I still don't really fight with reality because there is no way to change it (well plastic surgery, extreme dieting and other unhealthy things can 'mask' reality). At the moment..."its all good".

One of "my stories" is that I am the same person I was at age 16. I feel as though my outlook, values, personality etc was set then. I know other people say they grew up in college, or in their 20s (or 30s), but I don't see that in myself. Yes, I did learn a lot both socially and academically, but really at the core, I am the same as I was at 16. It is of course a matter of perspective but my confidence, humor, self perception etc was all there back then. I am wondering if it had to be for me to 'survive' all of the moves I did. You definitely have to have some self awareness to reintegrate (or maybe the word is INSERT) yourself in a new scenario and do it smoothly and effectively. I believe I was good at it (if I do say so myself) and I still am. Maybe that is the root of my 'story' is that to survive the changes I did, I had to be very clear on what matters most to me even back then.

Anyway, I say 'bring it on' to the numbers 4 and 0. I think some fabulous things are coming my way and there is not better time than now for that to happen. I've been reading a lot (as I've mentioned many times recently) and one of the consistent messages is that everything that has happened to me in the past (and now) is at the right time and in the right way no matter how good or bad it is. It is a way to 'not argue' with reality and bring peace. You can spend a lot of time and energy fighting your past or stressing about the future, but really, what is real is now and THERE IS NOTHING you can do about the past and you have NO IDEA what will happen in the future. I can say those words and I am starting to believe BUT I still need time to put my head around the concept...it is a foreign perspective that this time last year wasn't even in my repertoire (as simple and logical as it sounds).

Anyhoo....here's to living in the moment which sometimes I am an expert at and sometimes I 'suck at' (I know mom, I shouldn't say that...but I did).

Tastes of Freedom

I have narrowed my word for the year and it is...drum roll...Allow.

I like it. It feels nice and cozy to me. It feels empowering. It feels risky. It feels yummy. It feels big. It feels expansive. It feels of freedom. It is MY WORD.

I have practiced allow already and it feels good. I am allowing myself to NOT do my restrictive eating for the first time in 10 years. I allow treats when I want them...but the caveat is that I chose wisely, acknowledge that I'm doing it and reflect on how it felt. I am noticing my eating habits (in the way of junk food) and figuring out when I do it and what it is doing 'for me'. It is a learning process and will take time to make the 'noticing' a habit...but I believe this is a step into shining the light on when I do the mindless eating of junk food that in turn makes me feel like beating myself up.

I am allowing myself to read without guilt. I have this incredible desire to read and read and read and I am not fighting it. I do sometimes give into reality and do the 'stuff' to make my house and family a home, but I also am allowing time to NOT do those things too so that I can read and feed that part of me. This reading is serving a big purpose for me in terms of becoming what I am meant and desire to be. It feels right, it feels good, it feels like freedom....as one of the many mantras of my program goes...the truth ALWAYS tastes of freedom.

I am also allowing myself to say no, to be late, to not 'do the right thing' all of the time. You might think I'm shirking my duties, or becoming a disrespectful citizen...but the things I'm choosing are ones that don't matter in the big scheme of things...the ones where no one notices or really cares. Those times where I've 'done the right thing because it is the right thing' haven't always served me well and NO ONE CARED ONE WAY OR THE OTHER. I'm practicing with little things to see how it feels, to understand the impact of doing what I want and noticing what really counts.

This allowing is nice....I'm looking forward to more of it as it becomes clear where it should be employed. Watch this space.

Gratitude X 10

1. School back in session (for kids AND me)


2. Books


3. Date night (Slumdog Millionaire is a great movie)


4. Fitness


5. Eating healthier


6. Sleeping in my bed most nights


7. Tidy house


8. Bookclub at my house (hence tidy house)


9. Babysitter that my kids LOVE.


10. The word "ALLOW" (that is my word for 2009)

Mommy Tourettes

The other day my son was delaying getting to bed. The moment I told him to hurry, he started in on a whiny rant. Without thinking and in a split second out of my mouth came "whiner" loud enough for him to hear (like someone with Tourettes Syndrome). Weeeellll. That did not sit well with little monkey. That is like using the word 'stupid' to him. He was hurt to his core that his mommy would call him a whiner.

Part of me is glad I said it out loud (without thinking) because it might give him a perspective that his reactions do actually have a negative impact on me and hence him.

The other part of me feels truly guilty that I hurt his feeling so much; he was devastated by my response. I definitely apologized and talked through why I think I blurted it out. Then right before he went to sleep I told him I was sorry again and that I loved him. The damage was done, but I think we're good.

Today he started in on a whine and I asked him to please stop whining...then that made him cry because he didn't think he was whining. I know the mommy books are going to tell me that instead of beating him up that way and using the word whine I should give him the tools to speak in a different tone. So I think I'm supposed to say...Monkey, mommy cannot understand what you want when you speak that way. OR maybe, can you change your tone so I can understand you better? Or maybe, slow down and tell me what you want in a calm voice. I'm sure there is some better way. I will try to catch myself the next time. Its just that 7 years of a sensitive, quick to cry, 'whiny' demeanor can sometimes hit a nerve...we both have some work to do.

By the way....I love my sensitive son....to the core. Just being honest here.

Brangelina are my friends

OK...so I did sleep last night (still had some couch time too...grrr). I had a dream about hanging out with Brad and Angelina. I was in their home just 'chillin'. I remember white pretty blouse, lips, a goatee and a comfortable conversation about things. There were babies too. I know that I was asking them about films they made, the process of film making etc. It wasn't a crazed fan kind of interaction it was a curious 'respectful' one. What was that all about?

I have had dreams about other stars...curiously several with Brad's ex Jennifer Anniston. They all involve me being in 'awe' that I'm with them, but trying to be a cool cat with them so they don't think that I'm fawning.

Have I ever met famous people...sort of....I've seen a few and one slept in my house, but they aren't the super famous A listers....here is my list.

Robbie Benson ('80s actor) with his wife and daughter Lyric in a Rome McDonalds. All my friends went to get his autograph, I rushed to the bathroom because I didn't want to make a scene for the poor family who were probably just trying to have a family meal (if you can call it that at McDonalds)

Bob Zelnick (ABC Pentagon Correspondent) sat next to me on a puddle jumper and I talked to him about my military brat life. I had secret hopes that he could get me into some kind of journalism internship...I never followed through though.

Andi McDowell at the mall in Charlotte, NC. I saw her in a store and peeked in then rushed away because I didn't want her to notice that I was looking at her.

Aaron Neville at the gate in an airport...he has a huge mole (not that I can talk) and tons of tattoos. I just looked...didn't touch.

Kelly Perdew...now this is my closest. My husband knows him and attempted to do a business deal with him after he won the Apprentice. He had a media thing near where we lived in Charlotte so he stayed in our guest room. We took him out 'on the town'...if that is possible in Charlotte... and then he and I ended up dancing until closing time at a bar and had breakfast at the Waffle House (husband wasn't feeling well that night).

After that, I think 'notsomuch'. I notice that when I see or know that a celebrity is around, I tend to actually flee versus rush. I think I don't want them to think that I am annoying. I can tell in my dreams that I want to have a mature relationship with pretty much everyone in my life and a celebrity probably would make that difficult just because of the dynamics of that whole industry. I look, with humor, at myself and my thoughts on this...so I thought I'd share.

There are people in my life that do come in contact with celebrities. My sister-in-law lives where celebrities are rampant - NYC. She also lives in a neighborhood that isn't uncommon to have them milling around. Her latest story is that Dustin Hoffman held her coffee and the door for her as she tried to manage the baby stroller, her coffee...AND HIM!

We have friends from when we lived in London that definitely 'hang' in those circles. The coolest story they had is that Hugh Grant showed up at their flat in London to see about buying it (they were living in it as 'housing' for his job). Elizabeth Hurley (it was when they were together) also showed up at the place to look. They talked about knowing Elle McPherson pretty well. I'm sure there are more we don't know about.

Its all fun and games and fun to talk about (my husband has stories of George Clooney, Nicole Kidman and maybe a few others). Our interactions are great stories to share with friends. BUT, what WOULD I do if I truly did meet an A Lister. Do I really want to....why do I dream about it? Hmmmmmm.....

schizophrenia and no sleep

First I have to tell the truth here. I have not been a good sleeper these past 2 nights. I've fallen asleep on the couch then head to bed at 3am. As my resolution is to WORK ON sleeping better I don't believe I can beat myself up about it and all I'm going to say about it is "today is the first day of the rest of my life". Having said that, last night I paid a price for my habit. I went to bed at 3am and fell asleep somewhere in the 6am range.


Here is a sample of the thoughts that were in my head from 3-6am...

1. Relax, try to fall asleep



2. Bummer, I cannot fall asleep



3. What was that noise, oh it was the wind



4. I need to teach my kids how to survive in an emergency...where the food is, how to eat sparingly, how to speak to emergency on 911, maybe write a script, oh I hope my kids don't have to be alone in an emergency situation



5. Stop thinking about emergency situations 'stupid' there isn't one now and you cannot do anything about it



6. Oh, I can write about my interaction with my son in my blog tomorrow (details formed in my head)



7. I want to bring more money into my life, how should I do it, the Law of Attraction says to allow versus to 'earn' money, I need to read more, I want to believe that I can, now I'll envision my money blob from my metaphor from yesterday



8. UGH it is 4am why can't I fall asleep



9. If I take a meletonin now I don't know if I'll wake up



10. Husband is snoring....maybe I should push him, over, no, that isn't nice



11. I want to do more photography, I'll need to update my website...oooo I'll do a whole new website that is fancy and includes my blog and my coaching. I'll even have business cards made. I need to call my friend MO.



12. Husband is getting up, boy he has an early day....no, he's just peeing....I wish he'd turn the light on so he doesn't 'miss'...pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, boy he had to pee, pee, pee...whew done...nope pee, pee. I'm glad he is getting more sleep and not going to work. Maybe I'll say hi, but then maybe that will keep him up too.



13. Boy I wish I could fall asleep, take a deep breath, stop thinking about things, breath and try to go to sleep



14. I know what I'll blog about, it will be this 'non sleep'.



15. Hmm...its interesting that all of the things I have been reading about have included quotes from the Bible and specifically about Jesus. Maybe Jesus was all into the Law of Attraction, he manifested food and healing for people, maybe he started the whole thing. I wonder if he were here today if he'd have been more accepted than back in the day...probably...maybe that is what is meant by his coming again, that we will realize that he had it all right back then...would my parents think I'm a heretic for thinking these thoughts, would some of my friends....its my thoughts why should I care?



16. Please...sleep...come....please.....

BUZZER at 7:40

Never thought I could

Today I had my first session with my new coach from my class. I presented my dilemma and it boils down to my relationship with money, confidence and so on and so forth (that is between her and me thankyouverymuch). Anyway, she took me through a tool which involves making your issue a 'thing' (as in a metaphor for your actual issue). I knew she was going down this path and my mind was open but I had always thought that I did not have the mental capacity to 'go there' and imagine something that wasn't there and to give it characteristics and to have it do things and have it even tell me things. I've always said "I am a rational being".

I want to get value out of my coaching sessions and I wasn't about to try to 'avoid this' or not 'try it out'...so I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and went for it. I stumbled sometimes especially when it came to asking my object to speak to me and tell me what it wants me to know....that was tough, I never was able to have it speak but it did lead me to things (through my coaches encouragement). It was very cool and very enlightening because when she reiterated what I had said but using money instead of my creature as the object, it felt like I could change my perspective about it. I'm sure you're dying to know what my mind came up with (and if you're not, you can click the little red X in the top right corner of this screen).

Money in my mind was a fish-like creature that isn't big or small. It is a bit amorphous (more like a jellyfish) and kind of goes with the flow in the water. I was a scuba diver observing the object in front of me. I wasn't scared of it. I reached out to touch it. It turned out to be more malleable than I thought (I thought it would be more solid like a stress ball). I asked it to take me where it wanted me to go, so I grabbed on and we floated up to the top of the water and the "fish blob" bounced and floated on top. The fish offered for me to sit on top of it so that we could ride the waves. I felt safe but did feel that I needed to hold on in the rough waves or I might fall off. We rode up a big wave and safely made it down. It was fun. We then rode the current until we made it to shore on a clean, light, warm lovely beach. I got off and the fish blob remained there and I had this feeling that it would be waiting for me when I needed it again to ride the waves.

In all of this "metaphoring" I never was thinking about what I was saying and how it related to money...I was quietly observing my mind and what the "fish blob" was telling me. My coach was prompting me to observe, to touch, to ask, to see what it did next, where does it take me?, how do I feel?, etc. There were moments when my 'rational' mind wanted to stop playing, but I would breath and she would take me back into the "fish blob" experience. It was very cool, very enlightening and a very valuable way to take my left brain (Mr. Rational) and move to the right brain (Ms. Artsy Fartsy) and see money and my relationship to it from a different perspective. The download of all that I said and felt can then be reformatted to represent my relationship with money (or how I might want my relationship to be) and move with that. I am by no means done with this topic....oh Lordy no! But, I've done a tiny chipping away at the behemoth beast of my thinking about it so that eventually, I will free my thinking up so that I get to a healthy, loving, supportive relationship with money and/or confidence (or whatever my other issues are).

How cool is that?

Fallow in January

It seems that every January I get a little more introspective, slower to get out of the house, less energized...read "in a slump". I can already feel it coming on and I am hoping to both 'lean into it' as well as work through it this year. Last year it 'happened to me' instead of 'through me'. The positive of it was that I was so ready to be done with it that I ended up doing some amazing things..this blog, reading tons of books related to self help, finding Michele Woodward, who got me connected with Martha Beck, who got me on a path that I am excited to go down....so Fallow is often good, it helps one to replenish the soul; as in farming it replenishes the soil.

The way I know I'm in or moving toward a slump (or lets call it more healthy term...Fallow time) is that I tend to just willow away the day with no big plans, no goals, and if I don't make my goals I feel apathetic and or beat myself up. Although I did stuff yesterday that was productive, I felt equally undproductive and it was mostly my thoughts (correction...all of it was due to my thoughts). Today I have plans early in the day that will get me out. I am going to work out, have a meeting, go grocery shopping and so forth and so on...so I believe this activity will be good. I also find that in my Fallow time I read a lot....for some reason I am equating that with being 'lazy' but I am changing that tune now....reading for me is actually active, my brain is working, new ideas are forming, old ideas are solidifying and really old (archaic and wrong) ideas are washing away. So...reading=GOOD not reading=LAZY. Having said that, I believe that if my husband comes home to a very messy house, wife still in jammies, kids fending for themselves for a whole month...hmmmm that might be too far....OR NOT?

I love rain - TODAY

For the first morning in my life I woke up and thanked God for rain! Who knew! I'm usually grumbly over rain. Weeeeeeelllll...last night it was snowing. There was a chance that school would be CANCELLED AGAIN. Having spent 19 days with the kids 24/7 I was looking so forward to this day to get back into my old routine (whatever that is). When the snow showed up I was feeling that Mother Nature was playing a very dirty trick. She should know better. All the mothers in the Pacific Northwest have bags packed, clothes laid out, breakfast prepared and minds focused deliberately on hugging our munchkins as we PUSH them on the bus. At dinner last night I told the family that if we did in fact have another snow day, that I might be finding a nice hospital to check myself into. My daughter (nearly 9) totally got it without me having to explain what I meant (wise soul), my son wasn't as clear and was a tiny bit concerned that I was literal (was I?). Anyway, this morning I heard RAIN on our skylight and I was giddy.

Now, I think someone out there decided that I had to pay a little for this because all morning I've been battling things. My daughter's closet wouldn't open so I had to physically tear it from its tracks, my computer somehow decided to lock up (I believe from the power outage last night), I forgot to wrap the teacher gifts (because we didn't get to finish the week before holiday break), the sugar I was trying to reach for my oatmeal kept slipping from my fingers on the top shelf so I had to get a stool...that is when I decided to stop feeding my 'bad luck' and saying 'this too shall pass', and 'I can solve this one' and 'you're not going to get ME down'. The pep talks worked me through the moments of frustration, but nagging in my head is...will this 'stuff' continue all day? If they do, I have two choices...one to focus on them and group them together and say I had a bad day, or take it moment by moment and say, 'this is just a minor set back'.

You've just had a little view into my mind lately. I am working desperately to 'live in the moment', have gratitude, and to believe that I deserve to have whatever I want and the possibilities are 'unlimited'..... HMMM I just read that word and I believe I need another one. I think the fact that it contains the word 'limit' in it might be confusing to me (and the universe). So, maybe I'll do a little thesaurus check to find a more empowering word?

OK, enough rambling for the day I'm off to tidy, reflect and have my 1.5 hour class where I get to be a client. I need to reflect on my week to find the most 'challenging' bit to be ready to be coached on it. I know what it is, a difficult meeting. Here's to facing my challenges instead of letting them happen "to me".

Gratitude X 10

1. Awesome Christmas back East (my cutie niece featured above)
2. Safe journey home
3. Warm house
4. Bags unpacked
5. 2 books read (one to finish today)
6. Reconnecting with my coaching buddies
7. Game night with my family (Apples to Apples Jr)
8. New Year's day with friends (Bloody Mary's on Jan 1 are a nice tradition)
9. Sleep (yeah!)
10. Goals

Desire for my kids

My kids do not really choose to read. I have to set the timer and force them to read. I wish that this were different. I envy the families who have to pull a book out of their child's hands from time to time. My daughter CAN read well but she chooses not to. My son is getting the hang of reading but he'd prefer to be plugged into XBox. I wonder if this is a genetic thing because I remember NOT reading as a child. I remember playing with Kathy every day, all day long. My brothers on the other hand read, and read and read. We also had NO TV so I don't know what I did with my time when I wasn't playing with Kathy. I remember also, that I plugged into reading at about 4th grade...that is when I became a little more addicted, but not like my brothers. Even today, I can go months without choosing to read, but when I do, I become a little too focused on reading. My husband can attest to my 'all or nothing' approach. Even on our honeymoon in Bali, he had to drag me from my book to go exploring, dinner or what have you. I think he gets a little nervous when he sees me pick up a book because that means I might be 'useless' for a time.

At this very moment my daughter is saying that she is extremely bored even though she has a gazillion new things to play with and a ton of unread books to read.

So, what is a mother to do? I think we might have to have 'reading time' at our house where EVERY single member reads for MORE THAN 20 minutes. However, if I start, I cannot stop. I think I need some moderation training.

My words for Jan 2: Accomplished, me time, laundry, purge, connected, health-focus, sleep

Sleep

My big goal for this year is to break my bad sleeping habits. I'm off to a good start. I slept in my bed last night (I often find myself on the coach all night long with the TV on). I am willing to start taking something (like meletonin - my sister-in-law recommended). I am planning to leave the TV room every night by the time my husband goes to bed and read until I am tired. He will have to sacrifice a 'dark room' for a bit, and I will sacrifice watching my favorite shows. I think that sleep in NOT overrated and I can imagine it is a source of some of my nagging weight gain. So, besides the word "unlimited" to start my year off right, sleep is my other word. Wish me luck!

I read about someone who wrote one sentence a day as a journal. I might give it a go but I might write the words that describe my day as well. Here are the words for Jan 1: relaxed, warm, connected, laughter, downloading, cleaning, home

Salutations

This morning I awoke thinking about the New Year and what it will hold. I think about all the salutations that one would give to friends and family such as health, happiness and prosperity. The prosperity bit got me a little bit 'stumped' this morning because it feels like it is a hard one to 'count on' this coming year. I think we should still wish that for everyone but I wonder if people believe it. I do believe that my family will lead a prosperous life, but what is the definition of that. Is it just linked to money or is linked to all things that one is working toward in their lives. If it is the latter I believe that we all can find space this year to find gratitude in the things that ARE going well and to focus on those and hope that the financial bit will follow in due time. I am actually hopeful that I personally will be financially prosperous this year. I am working toward making money this year that I had not been my focus in the past few years.

On a similar topic, I've been following an inspirational writer named James Arthur Ray. He has a philosophy called "Harmonic Wealth". He proposes that to be truly wealthy you must have abundant success in 5 main areas: Physical, Financial, Relational, Spiritual and Mental. If you are highly successful in one area (say finances) but are poor in another (say physical) you will not be or feel truly wealthy....I can definitely grasp this concept and hope to put some thought into these areas of my life and see what sorts of aspirations I can have in each. I plan to put some serious thought into these topics in January, but in the short term here are a few achievable goals I have.

1. Put away the 4 bags full of toys, clothes and other 'stuff' from our trip East
2. Throw away the mismatched socks of 2008 (we got tons of new socks in our stockings)
3. Finish my 2008 photo album (I only need to put Dec pictures in)
4. Finish at least 1 book in January (I'm hosting a book club in 2 weeks so I have incentive)
5. Delete at least 100 emails in my inbox

All of these can be checked off by next week.

My husband and I had a nice long walk while we were on the East Coast. I told him that I would like to set a word for my year and I told him all of the 'things' I am working on. He came up with one that really can actually be quite pertinent to what I want...."unlimited". I'll keep you posted. So in the spirit of a New Year Salutation....here's to health, happiness, and PROSPERITY...to all I know and love in 2009!