Party time

Tonight there will be 11 ten year old girls at my house and one token 8.5 year old boy (bless his soul). That is why there is a case of Corona also in my house (for the adults of course). I'mjustsaying!

Dear Mr. Tree

Dear Mr. Tree,

I am writing to give my sincerest apologies for the generous use of toilet paper in our house this week. Firstly, my daughter and I are experiencing some extreme allergies (that perhaps are due to your cousin's the flowers OR to in fact you ,Mr. Tree) so the toilet paper has been used in higher volume. The other reason I'm writing you is that I'm realizing that in her 1o years of life, my daughter had not been taught the lesson of moderation when it comes to toilet paper use. This morning there were extremely long 'kite tail' esque lengths of toilet paper in the waste basket...and multiple amounts of them. I have since given a demonstration (not role playing but actual use because I needed to blow my nose).

So, I believe we're back on track for hopefully keeping your family more 'in tact' for a while longer...in the meantime, I wish that somehow tree killing weren't a necessary thing in the first place. Lovingly yours, Chief

Feel it!

• Monday at 12pm a new acquaintance reminded me of a book that interested me
• I went to the library
• I had a list of books I was looking for, this one was the only one on the shelf (I see this as a sign)
• I start reading it
• It flows easily
• It speaks to me
• I am compelled to continue with THIS book even though I have another book I want to finish (one chapter left)
• A night and half day pass
• I sit in my car during soccer practice and read (feeling naughty because the mom in me thinks I 'should' be watching practice)
• I sleep
• I awaken at 1:30am
• I cannot fall asleep (helicopters searching, husband's breathing, nose itching, sneeze coming....so I get out of bed)
• I pick up book at 2am and finish by 4:30am
• I don't own the book but so desire to go back and underline the good bits
• I intend to scan it again and write down the salient points

What am I trying to say?

I recommend this book to everyone...Feel the Fear...and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers

As one of the endorsers says: "Should be required for every person who can read" (Jack Cranfield, Chicken Soup for the Soul)

Gratitude X 10

1. Sunshine


2. Kids giving it their best


3. Boy pretending to sail a ship in a box


4. Girl building a home for her new stuffed puppy


5. Date Night watching the movie Date Night


6. Birthday parties


7. Inspirational reading


8. Meeting new people in bookstores


9. Meditation


10. Naps

Mirror

Today I am coming down from my 'anger' from yesterday's retainer caper. I am moving into acceptance and about to come 'clean' with the orthodontist. I had a little chat with my friend about it and my options for moving forward. She put a mirror to my face regarding my reaction to her loss at one point and I'm grateful for her enlightening me.

She lost a really nice earring that she had gotten for Christmas from her husband. She doesn't lose things so it was especially difficult for her to come to terms with. I listened to her story but I didn't say 'that sucks', or 'I'm sorry that happened', or 'Gosh darn it, I hate when that happens'...I just listened and probably said something more like, 'there's nothing you can do about it', or 'there is no use focusing on the loss'...I don't think those are my exact words but essentially, I did not engage in her grieving. You see, I have a problem with focusing on the 'bad stuff' and I don't always think it is useful to the other person for me to focus on it either, and when things are out of our control (like late plane takeoffs, traffic jams etc), I really cannot find the energy to get frustrated because there is NOTHING I CAN DO to change it and worrying or fretting won't fix it any faster. So, I think when my friend was telling me about her loss of an earring, I wonder if I was a bit crass...maybe thinking a) it's just an earring b) what is the big deal about you 'not losing things' are you making this mean that your an awful person because you lost something (because I lose too many things and what does that say about "me"?) c) in my case, I would probably not own an expensive earring (but that is my issue not hers).

So...really...at the end of the day, there is NO difference here between her lost earring and my lost retainer...and if I'm looking for sympathy, then why can't I give sympathy to her. I appreciate her calling me out on this one so I can really think about how to walk my talk. The problem right now for me is that I know that focusing on what is going wrong and then making up stories about how it should have been different, or I should know better, or he should have been more careful...or all the shoulds, or coulds, or nevers, or always...really a) aren't true and b) aren't serving anyone...BUT is there a time to sit with the loss and perhaps even have a friend sit there with you and participate...I'm not sure the answer but I am willing to think about it. Very interesting conundrum for me. I do think to say, "I'm sorry that happened", or "I'm sorry you feel that way", or something like that is kind...but then what is the next level of support? I'm not sure...Any thoughts?

Boiling on the inside

Today my son admitted in horror that he thinks he threw his retainer away (AGAIN). We were at the school. We rushed to the trash cans, alas they'd been efficiently dumped. I find the janitor. She says that 3 of the many bags inside the dumpster are from today. I dug through the three but not one held that $350 contraption. I am BESIDE MYSELF. I am stewing. My son is scared out of his whits. I say to him..."I am not mad at you" (a little white lie because I knew that it would send his already fragile demeanor into MUSH), "but am very frustrated."

I'm having a very hard time talking myself down from this one because I am at some point going to have to accept it. I think I've been going through the stages of grief and I'm stuck in the anger/bargaining phase. I can sense my body relaxing into acceptance...but I have plans to perhaps take one more dumpster dive tomorrow and rip into other bags that I did not have access to. Here is one reason to be grateful that our Waste Management workers are on strike...there is always some way to find good in a messy situation.

Today is the first day in a long time where I had visions of an alcoholic beverage to ease my nerves...instead I settled for a bag of chips...I'm still having some wine, but it isn't based on NEED anymore...it is just a little mood shifter. Thank goodness I love my son dearly or else things could have been MUCH WORSE today...and again I say, paybacks from my childhood are definitely coming due and my parents are probably sitting there reading this with a sly grin!

Stutter

I am having a stutter start kind of week.

I'm productive but scattered.

I feel directionless a bit.

On Sunday I set my intention for the week:

Regroup Refresh Reinvogorate

So...today will be my Regroup day -

1. Look at my list of goals (I made a detailed quarterly goal)

2. See what is left to accomplish

3. Decide if they're reasonable

4. Set a detailed plan for accomplishing said goals

5. Reward myself for REGROUPING!

My reward will be coffee with my friend Roma at Molbak's and I'm going to have her sign the book she has co-authored! I call that a good day!

NOW I feel have direction...thanks for listening.

Gratitude X 10

1. Babies in sunhats


2. Rained out baseball games


3. Dinner out with family


4. Big hurdles (my website - www.lauraenglish.wordpress.com)


5. Birthdays of loved ones


6. Party planning for my daughter


7. GNOs


8. Jumper cables


9. Friends for my kids


10. Plans for the week

Life Explained

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Mark Twain

My post on facebook

Bad CAR-Ma. I "laughed" at my friend for running out of gas last night. My car won't start today. Note to self: Think about what you say.

I have been having speedy results with both my positive and negative "karma" lately so I believe that I will be very conscientious about what comes out of my mouth (or from my heart)....I'm-just-saying

I'm funny

Recently I've been posting on facebook and twitter and in my head I've been really witty....but am I really? I'm not sure...but it is fun to think so. The thing is, does it REALLY matter what others think? I question that. If I feel witty, if I get a feeling of joy when I feel witty, if for some reason feeling witty elevates my mood, what does it matter what others think? I guess our monkey minds want to protect us from the POSSIBLE critics "out there" who might decide to let it be known their opinions. Most of the time, we won't even know what others think, and when/if we do, does it REALLY matter (I'm dying to read the book What You Think of ME is None of My Business? If we do somehow internalize the critic comments, what messages are we sending to ourselves about our worth?

I know that I have a lot of work to do in this area but I'm becoming more and more clear that if I continue to stop being authentically me because of fear of what others might think, the only person who suffers is me. I know that this concept will be a lifelong challenge because we have our egos and our egos are sensitive, but with awareness and desire we can choose NOT to listen to the critics and start listening to our essential selves. Now...the inner critic...that one is a little bit more slippery and that for me is my challenge...because it has been building its repertoire for 41 years and it has expert status within...but I am willing to meet it head on...one thought at a time.

So, for now, I choose to allow myself to feel funny when I want, creative when I want, confident when I want...and when the band of external or internal critics show up, I will figure out how to change MY tune to one that is authentic to ME. Amen!

Madly Writing

I've been trying to read the Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. I haven't been 100% successful but one thing I have added to my life is journaling. I would love to say I've added "daily" journaling, but the more accurate phrase would be "every-so-often" journaling. The "perfect" way would be to do it every morning (they're called Morning Pages) before your day gets under way. The other "perfect" way would be to write 3 pages a day.

My "good enough" way was to TRY to write in it daily (some weeks yes, and some no). I did stick to the 3 pages. At first it was a chore and now three pages sometimes doesn't feel like enough, but I do stop at three. There is no "perfect" in terms of what you write. You can write all the "junk" that is in your head, you can write about your hopes and dreams, you can do a hybrid, you can write your to-do list, you can write the same word over-and-over-and-over for 3 pages. You can also be ee cumings and use no punctuation. You can practice your worst grammar. You can spell EVERY word wrong. You can have dangling participles...no one has to know and really no one cares. The point is to participate in the act of writing. Sometimes you need to get the thoughts that are rattling in your head, sometimes you need to feel less bored about your life, sometimes you have a book in you that needs to get out of you, sometimes you have HUGE dreams that you are hoping to translate into reality.

The intention is the writing full stop. It isn't meant to LEAD to a book, or to RESOLVE a problem...but both of those are possible and even more interestingly...LIKELY if you continue the process long enough. Julia Cameron asks that you try to do this for 30 days to build a habit. Also you are encouraged NOT to reread your entries for at least 6 months and "never" is also encouraged. However, "they say" that if you do reread you may find that what you were hopin' and dreamin' actually comes true more often than not (way cool!). You are also encouraged not to share your writing unless you have a super-supportive-on-your-team-always kind of friend.

So why am I telling you this...a) I've been trying it and it is amazing what it does. I cannot even articulate the change/feeling but it does something for me b) I've had some amazing 'inspired action' AFTER I've written something down c) I've been able to spew out (envision barf if you must) the junk in my head and then it kind of just dissipates which is great d) I FINISHED MY FIRST FULL JOURNAL (picture is of my actual journal; I decorated it myself as a daily "reward" for writing).

First, you have to know something about me, I have a freakish appetite for stationery items like journals. I also love to finish things, in a weird obsessive kind of way. To round out the obsessive compulsive triad, I also love to start things. So right now I'm in the vortex of yummy love for all things related to journaling.

Second, when I compared notes with my friend about her physical journal she described it as a small (ish) notebook (maybe half-page sized). I realized this about halfway through my book which is actually the Full Monty composition book college ruled. It all made more sense to me as to why it was taking me 40 minutes every day...but I was committed because 'finishing books is an obsession'.

So what I have in my hands right now is a college ruled composition book filled from cover to cover with longhand writing. Did you see A Beautiful Mind?...at one point they showed lines and lines and lines of writing...and Russell Crowe had gone "mad"...that is what my book looks like. It is oddly satisfying to quickly flip the pages through my fingers and see how much I've written. I don't look at the words, just the pages. I also have memories of evil Sr. Elizabeth because I have almost perfect handwriting due to her torture in 3rd grade where we had to write IN FOUNTAIN PEN without making mistakes or smudging.

So, if you've read to this point of this long winded post...I may be crazy (as witnessed above)...but I'm loving every minute of it. I am completely sold on this process and I encourage you to try the same...and report back to me if you wish...oh and don't send the 'special van' to pick me up just yet, I've got more compulsions to uncover.

Bloomin'

Today the kids brought flowers in to the teachers for Staff Appreciation week. I volunteered to arrange all of the flowers from each kid for the teacher. OK actually, I sort of volunteered...I said, I'd do it if no one else volunteered...and guess what, no one did. So...I could have gone in today all grumbly and disappointed because doing this "arranging" made my morning very close in terms to 2 other back to back meetings...the "old" me would have harbored some martyr thoughts, the new me still has those thoughts, but they have less of a hold, and I have chosen to rethink the yucky thoughts and focus on what is good about the situation. So the YUCKY thoughts are:

It seems that our class has VERY FEW families willing to volunteer....WHERE are the other helpers?

My replacement thoughts are:

1. I'm glad I am able to help Mrs. C. (the teacher). It allows me to give her relief in her challenging, underpaid...under appreciated job.


2. It also allows me to see what is going on in the classroom in "real time" and see how my daughter is doing.


3. Bonus: I got to arrange some beautiful flowers that not only looked gorgeous, but smelled good too.


4. Double bonus: it only took 40 minutes of my day!

So the net result is that I "got to" be of service, create beautiful flower displays, smell roses AND see my daughter in her element. That is a much better and more free thought than..."woe is me, I'm the only one who is willing to volunteer". AMAZING what a little thought turnaround can do!

Soft launch

Big high five to me! I decided to let go of perfection yesterday and stop delaying the completion of my coaching website/blog.

I was thinking there was a right way, and a right platform, and a right design...and then I decided to go with a replacement phrase for the word "right" and that is "good enough"...sometimes good enough makes it seem as though it is "less than" but for me it is releasing me from that annoying perfectionism that leads to procrastination, that leads to self doubt that leads to giving up...so "good enough" to me is way more empowering than "right" in my book.


My next dilemma is deciding how to merge this blog with that blog (or do I?), then the dilemma is linking the wordpress.com site to my domain name, and then the dilemma is when I decide to go fancier maybe asking someone to do an "upgrade" FOR me...but all of that is for another day. Today I celebrate that I am one step (and I might call this one a big step) closer to getting busier with my coaching. Lots to still think about, a lot to still do...but closer is how I feel and that feels GOOD!



Without further ado, this is my 'soft launch' of my website... http://www.lauraenglish.wordpress.com/ . Be advised that layout, colors and pretty much everything on it could change over time...but for now...this is "good enough".



I'd love your feedback and advice if you would like to impart it. FYI - happinessandmoonshine may change or do defunct but for now, I will keep going...I'll keep you posted.

Gratitude X 10

1. Sunshine


2. Wine tasting


3. Sleeping in my bed


4. Almost filling a journal


5. Sunday messages


6. Son hitting an RBI in his first game


7. Daughter singing at the top of her lungs AND playing the piano


8. Pieces falling into place for me to go to Dallas - Thanks Mom and Dad


9. Healthy eating (did you know v8 actually tastes good)


10. Oprah (don't judge, you know you like her too!)

Snarky

I just cannot think of anything to say. I am searching my mind, the Internet, my messy desk...and nothing is coming to me. I am in a good mood but a bit tired from a night out with friends for a pre opening party for a new wine tasting room for the Gooseridge winery.

It was cool to be on the 'inside track' of this fancy affair. It was fun to witness the family of the winery celebrating their wine and their business with friends and acquaintances. Talk about living your passion!

I had a very small life lesson (that seems to be a "new" term we use with kids when they experience disappointment or learn a hard lesson). I was walking to the bathroom of the facility and mentioned to another woman that the hallway smelled of fresh paint and it looks like they were ready "just in time" for this launch. I wasn't 'diss-ing' them, but I was observing the obvious "new smell". It turned out that the person I was saying that to was actually on the inside circle of the winery and I felt like a heel...OF COURSE it smells like fresh paint....OF COURSE they were doing last minute touches, they are pre-launch...but it really isn't very constructive to show that "you notice" that especially if you are a 'guest' AT the Pre Launch.

Note to self...keep the snarky observations to yourself...they don't serve anyone and in fact can make for an awkward moment...no harm done...just a nice little reminder to focus on the positive and useful stuff in life.

Inert

Early this week I felt a feeling, it felt familiar but not one I really want.

The feeling is one I like to call INERTIA...here is a lay persons definition of the First Law of Motion (remember Physics 101?)- an object will always continue moving at its current speed and in its current direction until some force causes its speed or direction to change. This would include an object that is not in motion (velocity = zero), which will remain at rest until some force causes it to move (thank you Wikipedia for this explanation).

So, the feeling I kinda' have is the "velocity = zero" feeling. When I have this feeling the self talk goes like this..."maybe you're not meant to be any 'bigger' than you are now", "your life is good as it is, why bother expecting more?", "maybe what you thought you wanted isn't what you want"...essentially the theme of the monkey mind is to talk myself "out of" the desire to build a career for myself on my terms, based on my desires, gifts and talents. I suspect that anyone who has moved from a full-on mommy mode to a mode of wanting to do something else can get in this state, or even someone who is changing careers and/or making any big change in his/her life. I believe I am not alone...but me-no-likey these thoughts and feelings.

The thing is though, that that feeling actually can provide comfort. It almost is protecting me from something...it is protecting me from taking risks that might be a little scary, that might actually knock me down sometimes and/or might actually make me have to take myself seriously and believe in myself. So as much as I don't like the "velocity = zero" feeling, it is like my well warn blanky of my childhood...it still comforts me BUT it is dingy, has holes, and has a 'stench' to it. Perhaps I need to figure out how to put my big girl panties on and figure out how to move the velocity dial, just slightly.

So...a trick for me is

1. NOTICE that something is off - for me I have an "I've been here before" feeling
2. NARROW - look at my thoughts that I am having about myself and acknowledge how it feels in my body
3. NAME - put a name to the feelings and thoughts - INERTIA

From there I can do some thought work where I can choose to turn my thoughts around a bit. There are several tools I have (the work, self coaching 101, etc), but recently my friend talked about coming up with an 'anchor thought' that helps to slightly turn the direction of my thinking.

So for me what is useful is when I feel INERTIA I can say something like:

"I am making small steps toward building my career" - and then I like to come up with 3 things I've done recently that make that statement true. My evidence that this is true is:

1. I went to a class last week to learn Wordpress for my website
2. I emailed 5 people about networking and possible collaboration opportunities
3. I continue to practice my skills with my friends and colleagues.
4. BONUS: I read a ton of good juicy stuff that keeps me viable in terms of connecting information to people AND people to people which is one of my strengths!

That turn of a thought gave me a feeling of forward motion (out of inertia), it is believable and I feel better. I was sent a "wish" this week and it really hit me as the truth and maybe this will be my brand new BLANKY for comforting myself, I'd be happy to put some wear and tear on this one:

May today there be peace within you. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

Of course it did!

Tis' the season of Science Fair project in our house. My 4th grade daughter spent under a week thinking, looking on the web, looking in books and finally deciding on her project - BLUBBER is the topic. Today the project is due and true to form, we are knee deep in project display "stuff". The experiment involved the whole family submerging hands into ice cold water with a homemade 'mitt' with no insulation and a "mitt" with vegetable oil in it to see which keeps us warmer. You will be surprised I'm sure to find that the oil mitt (aka blubber mitt) kept us warmer...SHOCKING I know!

I have to say that this year's project had been much more calm and seamless UNTIL the printer decided to break when we had EXACTLY TWO PAGES LEFT TO PRINT. When I heard the tell tale sounds of breakage I uttered the words with a wicked laugh..."of course it is". I swear to high heaven that I am going to figure out how to BREAK MURPHY'S LAW one day. I will gladly go to Murphy Law jail too if I have to! So NOW we are not calmly and gracefully going to make it to the Science Fair...I foresee us pasting the last bit of paper on the display in the car on the way to the event...because of good ole' Murphy!

Stars are aligning

I love to use that phrase...I just used it in an email to someone who has offered me a spot at a conference (for free) if I can make my way to Dallas. I have a lot of travel in my life this year and I was feeling as if adding the cost of this travel would be a little too much. So, I put a wish out to have a free place to stay (check, thanks Kush for your couch offer), free airfare (possible check, thanks Dad for signing over YOUR free ticket) and of course the free entry to the conference (thanks Mindy Audlin).

It is very possible that I will be getting what I asked for and it feels FABULOUS. I think that even if somehow this doesn't go as planned, the thought that it is truly possible makes me giddy. It makes me dreamy about what other opportunities I can 'manifest' if I so desire...I manifested a new school for my kids a year ago...so what next?

I'm thinking a thriving coaching practice with clients that are a fit for what I have to offer and how I like to coach. I'll keep you posted

Grease needed

I'm in a little bit of a productivity stall where I can feel the wheels warming up to start turning again for me to access my creativity...but I need some grease for the wheels...I think a good old fashioned phone call with my coaching peeps will do the trick!