Honestly

I am in one of those moments where I feel that I want to air my own dirty laundry...it just feels like a good thing to do. For the past 2-3 years I've developed a not-so-good habit. I tend to fall asleep on the couch at night and then stay there until morning. The habit has its twists and turns; I make progress and then slip, I beat myself up and then I make excuses and so on and so forth. Not good, not proud and kinda want to put an end to it. I know this sleeping habit has so many things wrong with it and here is my time for a list:

• TV is often left on so wasting electricity


• TV on means not a good solid sleep


• What is on TV probably filters into my subconscious and either brings fears OR unwanted desires for random stuff being hawked at 3am


• Multiple wakings in the night


• Horrible self talk during the night


• Probably not the greatest for the couch


• Bad sleep can be attributed to a lot of unhealthiness including weight gain


• Not a good role model for my children


• Not a nice message to send to my husband regarding where I choose to sleep AND just so you know this isn't about him (except on some extra loud snoring nights)


• It makes me want to or choose to lie about WHY I stayed out of bed


• If I do WANT to go to my bed after waking up at a random hour (say 2am), I choose not to because there have been many times that I've caused my husband to wake up and then experience insomnia himself


• I tend to go to bed later than I wish to


• I tend to wake up way too early for my health and well being (3am today)

Here are a few of the lies I've told myself:

• Since not everyone likes my shows, I have to watch them when they're in bed (hello! Oprah, Desperate Housewives, Brothers and Sisters...to name ONLY A FEW)


• I often say: I will watch just one more show and then head to bed (most times I fall asleep during the show)


• If I go to bed when my husband wants to, I won't be able to fall asleep


• When I cannot get to sleep I start having catastrophic anxiety (planes crashing, pandemics, crazy world leaders doing crazy things...you name it, I'll make it BIG)


• This is the last night I'm going to do this


• If I don't go to sleep before my husband, his snoring will keep me up

These lists could go on and on, I'm sure. I suspect this habit has been forming over my adult life-time. I think some of the reasons get mixed and muddled depending upon the day. I don't like this habit at all (and I suspect I'm not the only one in my birth family that does this). Is it a genetic flaw? Is it an adult onset issue? Am I avoiding some deep stuff by keeping this unhealthy pattern? All legitimate questions. At the end of the day, I am not proud, I am often frustrated with myself, I feel guilty when it comes to how my husband probably feels and what he thinks...BUT I haven't stopped. What will it take? Maybe this outing is the first step. I don't want to come up with some punitive challenge for myself because I've done that before...and look where it got me (still stuck).

So...my thoughts are brought to two things 1) Forgive myself for being human. This may take some time and daily thought work and 2) Do a 4 Day Win - this is a tool I learned from Martha Beck and it goes like this:

1. Identify what you want, how you want to feel, and what the benefit of the change you want will be.


2. Detail the steps to take toward achieving your goals from #1. Then break those steps down to even smaller steps, and then even smaller and smaller until you have what is lovingly called Turtle Steps (remember the Tortoise won the race...not the Hare)


3. Decide on a daily reward for taking Turtle Steps and bigger reward (think something that gets you really excited) for completing a 4 Day Win. The rewards are where the WIN part comes into play. Note: these rewards don't have to be expensive (but can be if you choose, and can afford it) AND/OR if you have issues with eating, I'd avoid food rewards.


4. Pick the first and tiniest step (it should almost feel foolish and 'naughty' as to how small it is) and do it for 4 days.


5. Reward yourself daily for taking the Turtle Step (small reward) and on the 4th day give yourself a bigger reward.


6. Assess whether that same small step needs to continue to build momentum OR if you can step up to another tiny step that moves you closer to your goals and do another 4 day win


7. Repeat steps 2-6 until you finish all your steps AND/OR you've formed a new healthy habit

It should take approximately eight 4 day wins to make a possibly permanent switch. The goal is to build toward a habit in a gentle, loving, kind, forgiving, rewarding and dare I say, fun way.

Now back to my sleep challenge: It is obvious to me that this feels like a BIG ISSUE and it feels at times INSURMOUNTABLE, so my best bet is to relax and be kind to myself. I choose to focus on the goal of gaining momentum, feeling accountable, feeling motivated and eventually having healthy sleeping habits.

My first 4 day win will be to write my goals for sleep and my turtle steps for achieving these goals in a small notebook labeled HEALTHY SLEEP. I will take 2 minutes a day (for 4 days) and write in it. My reward for each day that I do this will be to watch one of my "shows" DURING THE DAY (Tivo'd). My 4th day bigger reward (Saturday) will be brunch with my family. This feels kind, gentle, not scary and definitely doable and I absolutely love going out for breakfast.

I like to think that just as those in AA probably are told...the first step to Recovery is to ADMIT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM...that, my friends has been accomplished! Peace Out!