Mirror

Today I am coming down from my 'anger' from yesterday's retainer caper. I am moving into acceptance and about to come 'clean' with the orthodontist. I had a little chat with my friend about it and my options for moving forward. She put a mirror to my face regarding my reaction to her loss at one point and I'm grateful for her enlightening me.

She lost a really nice earring that she had gotten for Christmas from her husband. She doesn't lose things so it was especially difficult for her to come to terms with. I listened to her story but I didn't say 'that sucks', or 'I'm sorry that happened', or 'Gosh darn it, I hate when that happens'...I just listened and probably said something more like, 'there's nothing you can do about it', or 'there is no use focusing on the loss'...I don't think those are my exact words but essentially, I did not engage in her grieving. You see, I have a problem with focusing on the 'bad stuff' and I don't always think it is useful to the other person for me to focus on it either, and when things are out of our control (like late plane takeoffs, traffic jams etc), I really cannot find the energy to get frustrated because there is NOTHING I CAN DO to change it and worrying or fretting won't fix it any faster. So, I think when my friend was telling me about her loss of an earring, I wonder if I was a bit crass...maybe thinking a) it's just an earring b) what is the big deal about you 'not losing things' are you making this mean that your an awful person because you lost something (because I lose too many things and what does that say about "me"?) c) in my case, I would probably not own an expensive earring (but that is my issue not hers).

So...really...at the end of the day, there is NO difference here between her lost earring and my lost retainer...and if I'm looking for sympathy, then why can't I give sympathy to her. I appreciate her calling me out on this one so I can really think about how to walk my talk. The problem right now for me is that I know that focusing on what is going wrong and then making up stories about how it should have been different, or I should know better, or he should have been more careful...or all the shoulds, or coulds, or nevers, or always...really a) aren't true and b) aren't serving anyone...BUT is there a time to sit with the loss and perhaps even have a friend sit there with you and participate...I'm not sure the answer but I am willing to think about it. Very interesting conundrum for me. I do think to say, "I'm sorry that happened", or "I'm sorry you feel that way", or something like that is kind...but then what is the next level of support? I'm not sure...Any thoughts?