C is for Comfort

I just fixed myself a comfort food. I'm feeling a little tired, a little chilly, a little headachey, and my husband is watching "his" football (not my fav)....so I decided to treat myself.

Do you know what my go to comfort food is?...it is so incredibly complicated and sophisticated and such an effort....NOT...it is a bowl of pasta, with a little butter and Parmesan on it. That is it...and it does the trick. Its quick, cost effective, and accessible within 5 minutes. This was my meal of choice during my first year of graduate school (along with bowls of Cap'n Crunch). In 'today's dietary wisdom'...carb loading is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG....well, in that time of my life, it was my staple (throw in peanut M&Ms for dessert). AND GUESS WHAT....I lost weight and then some. I was at an all time low and probably looked awful. A family friend commented that I looked grey and sallow. Go Figure (pun intended)! I believe that the abundance of butterflies in my stomach (due to fear, loneliness and heart break)...made me feel full most of the time, so the actual amount of food not WHAT I ate was to blame.

I recently decided to do a memory walk through my life to access the times that I was at my lowest weight (and sadly linked to that was the thought that I was 'feeling good about myself'). Well, let me tell you, my two lowest times (as an adult I might add) were not circumstances that I would like to recreate. AND funny enough, looking back, I don't know that I DID feel good about myself...I felt good about the numbers (weight and clothing size). That was external to really how I felt. So...grad school was a great cornucopia of emotions...as I said before. Then the other time was after I had miscarried. My miscarriage isn't something that is a big disappointment in my life. I was 'very pragmatic' about it and knew that it was common and had no link to my ability to have a live birth...so I did grieve but it was quick. BUT after that, I made it my JOB to get fit, get to my best weight, be healthy etc. I didn't actually have a job to go to, so I strictly followed the Zone Diet, worked out, didn't drink alcohol, took my prenatal vitamins etc. So again, I was seeing results in my weight and my clothing size...but did I feel good about myself? Most likely I didn't because I was grieving and wanting to be pregnant. So...again, I look back and wonder do I REALLY want to see those numbers and clothing sizes again?

My thoughts are that I wouldn't reject them if the low numbers came...BUT if they came at a price....then no thank you. With this in mind, I have been making a conscientious effort to put healthy foods in my mouth, assessing my hunger and fullness when I eat, engaging in fitness routines that involve my most valued feelings (connection and fun), finding ways to fill my soul (reading, connecting, coaching)...and guess what! The weight is slowly and steadily falling. AND I am not even focusing on that part, I'm focusing on the other stuff and KNOW that with that, I will get to an 'ideal healthy set point' that probably won't be 'my smallest' BUT it WILL BE my happiest (because I'm focusing on HAPPY NOW)!