I've been doing some deeper thought work with myself lately and really 'going for it'. It has stirred up some uncomfortable 'jitters' within me, it has put me in my head a little too much, and it can get scary to figure out 'what meaning' I've applied to different aspects of me and how I can either change or enhance them. It is both fascinating and unnerving at the same time...but I think it is all good. I am focusing a lot on this concept I've come across that in our lives we make 'unconscious' contracts with ourselves about the way we operate and associate with things and people. For example, I can go back and identify when I decided to have the 'relationship with money' that I have...it actually is in Burlington Coat Factory circa 1983 where I'm shopping at the sale rack to buy Le Tiger shirts (versus the coveted Izod). I place no blame on anyone or anything, but it is at that point that I decided that I could/would never have 'the real thing'. I would always be fine with the cheaper model. In that moment as a teenager I do remember the deflated feeling I had that I would be a 'poser' looking almost, but not quite like the real thing. I can come up with those same feelings and scenarios in my adult life where I've talked myself out of something really nice and settled for either not having it at all or buying the cheaper version. I think I've convinced myself that I don't value the real stuff, that it isn't worth it, that it isn't necessary and that it is wasteful. When I think specifically about a certain thing I might have passed up I still might believe those things...but if I didn't feel that sense of 'ick' about it then I know that I truly didn't care...if there is an 'ick' factor, maybe I've touched on a nerve where I am doing the 'cheaper model' behavior. For example, I love to shop at consignment stores and even though that may seem to be the 'cheaper model' story, it actually brings me joy not pain. I think if 'in that consignment store' I talk myself out of something because it is 'too much'...that is when the 'ick' comes. This revelation has only entered my mental repertoire in the past month so I don't have it figured out (and argue that I may never have it figured out)...but I think I'm onto something. I am now investigating my 'contract' I might have made regarding my "confidence". It is interesting to 'go there' and just see what pops up and then to also see if I can declare the contract 'null and void' and create my own NEW FABULOUS contract that fits me today as an adult and that supports my passion, my purpose and my power (did you know I had powers?). So, that is what I'm up to lately...its all fun and games...with a little 'thrill' peppered in to make it interesting.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Null and Void
I've been doing some deeper thought work with myself lately and really 'going for it'. It has stirred up some uncomfortable 'jitters' within me, it has put me in my head a little too much, and it can get scary to figure out 'what meaning' I've applied to different aspects of me and how I can either change or enhance them. It is both fascinating and unnerving at the same time...but I think it is all good. I am focusing a lot on this concept I've come across that in our lives we make 'unconscious' contracts with ourselves about the way we operate and associate with things and people. For example, I can go back and identify when I decided to have the 'relationship with money' that I have...it actually is in Burlington Coat Factory circa 1983 where I'm shopping at the sale rack to buy Le Tiger shirts (versus the coveted Izod). I place no blame on anyone or anything, but it is at that point that I decided that I could/would never have 'the real thing'. I would always be fine with the cheaper model. In that moment as a teenager I do remember the deflated feeling I had that I would be a 'poser' looking almost, but not quite like the real thing. I can come up with those same feelings and scenarios in my adult life where I've talked myself out of something really nice and settled for either not having it at all or buying the cheaper version. I think I've convinced myself that I don't value the real stuff, that it isn't worth it, that it isn't necessary and that it is wasteful. When I think specifically about a certain thing I might have passed up I still might believe those things...but if I didn't feel that sense of 'ick' about it then I know that I truly didn't care...if there is an 'ick' factor, maybe I've touched on a nerve where I am doing the 'cheaper model' behavior. For example, I love to shop at consignment stores and even though that may seem to be the 'cheaper model' story, it actually brings me joy not pain. I think if 'in that consignment store' I talk myself out of something because it is 'too much'...that is when the 'ick' comes. This revelation has only entered my mental repertoire in the past month so I don't have it figured out (and argue that I may never have it figured out)...but I think I'm onto something. I am now investigating my 'contract' I might have made regarding my "confidence". It is interesting to 'go there' and just see what pops up and then to also see if I can declare the contract 'null and void' and create my own NEW FABULOUS contract that fits me today as an adult and that supports my passion, my purpose and my power (did you know I had powers?). So, that is what I'm up to lately...its all fun and games...with a little 'thrill' peppered in to make it interesting.
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