Another one down

Today is the day that I am both excited and saddened at the exact same time. My daughter is now 9 years old. Last night I was remembering my hours before she was born when "Mean Nurse Judy" was asking me to rate my pain from 1-10...having studied statistics and psychology I felt I needed a little more information to be able to give an accurate reading. So, I asked 1-10 based on what? HOW CAN I KNOW HOW PAINFUL A "10" IS if I've not experienced it yet!!!!! I asked her more kindly than that between my contractions and she snapped back..."just give me a number" so I snapped back "SEVEN"....Well, it was a good thing that 7 was the lucky number to qualify for an epidural....if she had just told me that, I would have saved all my data gathering questions about the value of 1 and the value of 10. Goodness gracious.

Then my memory jumped to her tiny little legs which would suspend in mid air but flexed to the max when I would change her. For some reason, that is a memory that brings a flood of love into my body. I thought it was the cutest thing. My husband and I were sharing these memories and I admitted to him that I was jealous of him at the point when she started cooing. Whenever he'd change her, they'd 'talk' and she seemed to be a Chatty Cathy with him and my memory is that she wasn't as verbose with me and I was feeling a bit gypped.

Sometimes I wish for those days back and sometimes I'm glad we are where we are...I guess this is what motherhood is all about.

A blessing I would like to give to my daughter in her 9th year

I wish her internal confidence and knowing.

I wish her happiness and love

I wish her HEALTH (in light of the current H1N1 crisis...this wish is extended to the world)

I wish her a full year of all of the above and more!!!

Perfectionism and Life

Right now I'm overwhelmed with the desire to take a month of JUST getting my act together. My coaching program ends in a few weeks I then get to gain certification through coaching hours (almost there), a test, and coaching Martha Beck. That all seems reasonably doable to me. I feel confident that I can do it and I in fact look forward to "the challenge". However, I have a little problem in my head. I feel as though I want to reread and re-listen to EVERYTHING one more time. That would mean about 3 good sized books, all handouts given in the course, all my notes taken throughout the year, approximately 20 hours of recorded sessions to and 'extras'. This desire is marked by several things...

1. I don't think I want the course to be over; I want more.


2. I feel that what I read 'way back when' and what I hope to read now could have a total new and deeper meaning now that I've had practice and life experience.


3. Our program closes down our online forum 90 days past our classwork ending.


4. I'll be meeting Martha Beck and many Master Coaches twice this summer and I want to be 'as prepared' as possible to be able to really take in what I'll be learning and experiencing.

The big problem is that I have this other thing called 'my normal life' to manage. I have other commitments that are getting in my way (parenting, sports events, guests, and PTA to name a few). I know that I can make the time, but the whole concept of juggling them all makes me feel like doing NONE OF THEM. I am going to have to do some serious 'scheduling' this weekend to carve out significant amounts of time to be able to put my 'do not disturb' sign on my door/email/mind and hunker down.

None of my goals are "necessary", they just feel like a gift to myself so that I feel as though I've accessed as much information in these past 9 months...hmmm like a gestation period....to birth my coaching practice with 'the knowing' that I desire (to carry the metaphor, I want to glean all of the remaining 'nutrients'- information- from the 'placenta' - my program). I know that I 'know' what I need to 'know' already...this is just the 'crossing the t's and dotting the i's of my learning' (to carry the metaphor - its like the final stages of baby development where they lay on 'fat stores' to be able to survive after birth).

So, don't come knocking if the do not disturb sign is up...I'm in the final stages...you don't want a premature coach do you?

Power of Suggestion

In light of the current health scare, I've been reminding my kids to make sure they keep their hands clean AND to keep their hands away from their faces. The minute I suggested this though, my son cannot keep his hands from his face. In fact, he now has a chronic itchy face and head. What is a mother to do? I'm hoping this swine thing is really only a guinea pig that stays away from my family....thankyouverymuch! Be safe!

The elephant in the room...

...is actually a swine!

So...about 3 or so years ago I was crippled with the fear of the Avian flu. I blame it on my husband recounting an article in the Economist, then Oprah covering on her show and then me READING about the 1918 pandemic. I was certain that it was going to hit within that year and that all 'proverbial' hell would break loose. I couldn't stop talking about it and was warning everyone about it and I lost a lot of sleep over it. Fast forward to now. I am calm. I am appropriately concerned. I am making small plans to 'be informed and prepared' BUT for some reason, I now have given into the thought that there really is nothing I can do about it, and all the worrying in the world will not stop what will transpire when it does. It will SUCK big time if in fact it hits the world HARD, it will SUCK if my family is hit by this, it will SUCK if this reaches the epic proportions it could hit...BUT I don't know AT ALL if, when, how, what will happen so I plan to love what is right now and enjoy the moment. This new perspective can be linked to several things, one is my year of reading, coaching, writing, introspecting and becoming in tuned to what really is real and true RIGHT NOW. Another perspective is related to my fear of flying.... here is my story.

In 1995 my amount of traveling increased with my honeymoon, and then a project in New York (I lived in DC). At that same very point I started to become fearful of flying. Every hop, skip, jump, bing, bang, boom of the plane was interpreted by me as the plane going down. It was truly irrational and truly all consuming (while I flew). I couldn't help but talk about my fear, to make jokes about the crazy rituals I had, to tell my fear of flying to everyone who came in contact with me. I was definitely a fun 'party guest' and spent a lot of time making people see how 'foolishly afraid' I was. Then on one flight home from NYC an incident took place. Our plane was landing at Reagan National in DC and just before touching down, it gunned back up into the air. It turns out if we had landed we would have crossed paths with a plane taking off. Everyone on the plane with me who knew me was concerned about my psychological well being at that point....well funny enough...I was extremely calm and unphased by the incident. I HATED the full u-turn we had to make (banking still gets me sometimes) but really on the whole, I was doing well. It turns out that the thought of danger and the actual danger are not the same...the thoughts are worse, the reality is much more easy for me to take. I could see that the pilot knew what to do and did the right thing. That is not to say that it cured my fear, but it was an interesting data point for myself...curious that I was not freaked! So, back to this 'little piggy flu' problem. I might be experiencing the same thing here...it is here, it is real and I am willing to 'let go' and let whatever happen, happen and have faith that I will be as prepared as I can be to handle what comes my way (good or bad). In the meantime, I sure as heck am washing my hands, stocking my shelves, watching the news etc....just in case! Be safe!

Gratitude X 10

1. Week flying by


2. Successful fundraiser (see picture)


3. Mammogram - OVER


4. Sunshine


5. Mini retreat


6. Sleep


7. Clients


8. Love


9. Family adventures (we're going to see tulip fields today)


10. Sunshine (it needs a second mention)

Off to the races...

Volunteer is my middle name today! I'm trying to be Samantha from Bewitched so that I can make it all 'be done' already....my nose is starting to hurt though...so I guess I'll go do what I have to do.

Thank you mam.....

...mogram

I am 40. 40 year old women get mammograms. I had mine yesterday. My friends said it would be painful...it wasn't. Uncomfortable...but not painful. I actually thank my lucky stars that I actually have some sizable mammaries because those who don't, have to flatten 'nothing' and that must be really hard. I had a lot to flatten. I avoided looking at my flattened boob for many reasons...one I was scared of what it would look like; two I wasn't sure if looking at the place where the boob was being ex-rayed might 'burn my eyes out' and three I was supposed to stay still. So, I still wonder what a mashed down boob looks like, but probably can live without the image etched in my brain.

Here is the trickier part for me: I went into the exam with the knowledge that it was necessary and most likely there is nothing wrong...buuuuut....I had a cyst in my left breast in my twenties that was always 'one to watch'. Nothing came up since then....but I mentioned it and the technician ended our meeting with that unfortunate message....you'll probably get brought back in for more extensive testing. Then she said...because of that cyst you talked about. What my mind decided to do is make up an even bigger story...she told me it was because of the cyst I mentioned but MAYBE she saw something curious and knew that they would call me back because of it...that is the story that my mind likes better because then it can get me to think all kinds of crazy things....which in reality are PROBABLY NOT true. So...now I wait and mentally push my thoughts about it to the 'back of the bus' until I know for sure what the real scenario is.

So, there you go...My boobs were mooshed yesterday, and my mind is playing games today. How is that for fun?

Motivation

Every morning my friend and I call each other to decide if we can walk/run together. It is one of those scenarios where some days we're both raring to go, others where one is ready and the other isn't too motivated and then there are the 'stand off' days where we both aren't really keen on it but knows that the other might call....those days the call comes a little later, and then we gently decide that it will be in our best interest to go. After we are out and doing the walk/run its fine and we enjoy ourselves and the day is much better with oxygen in the lungs and some fresh crisp air to make us 'plucky'. Today I called my friend 'hoping' that she was going to be busy or something....she wasn't....so I'm just about to tie my shoes and head out the door.

Now that we've added spurts of running, I have to say there is more 'complaining' during the walks....it sounds like this. "I think I might throw up"; "My right leg is numb"; "I should have worn a better bra"; "My butt fat hurts" - real pretty, eh?

April needs to end

I'm thinking that I've had enough of April and would like May to come NOW! This month has traditionally been busy for me due to a fundraiser at the school, spring break, my daughter's birthday, visits from family (which I wouldn't change) etc.....so....here is what has transpired this week as a result of my crazy month:

1. Fell asleep reading for my class
2. Missed a mammogram (40 year old version)
3. Was 5 minutes late for everything on Tuesday
4. Totally blanked on a call I was supposed to make
5. Fell asleep on the couch and never made it to bed
6. Forgot about a dentist appointment (but haven't missed it)
7. Double booked myself on Thursday

I'm sure there is more where that came from. I'm still living my 'one moment' at a time motto, but am finding that perhaps I should have written a few things down. The 'tipping point' was that I took 4 days off to enjoy myself with friends....that is my excuse and I am sticking to it...but really MAY get here fast!!!!

Delusional

At dinner last night I was describing an 'incident' on my weekend in Austin. My friends and I were at an Irish Bar enjoying music and conversation when the man next to me kept tapping me on the shoulder and asking me questions. I clearly had MY BACK to the man and he still thought it was appropriate to engage in conversation. I told him we had come from all over to visit for a short weekend...he continued to tap me on the shoulder....I told him about my fabulous family AND HUSBAND and he still tapped me on the shoulder. I have issues with being TOO KIND and so I continued to respond to his taps and his questions. My kids' observations were:

Monkey: I think he wanted to marry you

Princess: You should have told him you don't talk to strangers

Monkey: You should have ignored him

Princess: You should have reminded him you were married

I have an active 'people pleasing' gene that somehow doesn't seem to allow me to ignore OR 'tell it like it is' OR say 'shove off mister'. In these situations where someone clearly isn't getting the 'message' (back turned, telling I'm married, telling I'm visiting with my friends etc)...subtle but clear that I'm not interested, I get befuddled and frustrated...why do I somehow attract the losers? Why don't they get the message? Why me? I guess I must give a vibe that I'm a sucker....I need to find an alternative vibe....is it Bitchy Woman?

Even though this guy's unwelcome attention was annoying, it was definitely a funny story because the man was DELUSIONAL.

• He told me that he knows how to read people - NO HE DOESN'T.


• He told me he had dated several Miss Americas in his day - that does not seem plausible.


• He told me that he had dated Farrah Faucet when she lived in Austin - WHAT?


• He asked me my sign (I'M NOT JOKING) and said...aaah yes, now I know why we get along so well - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?


• He told me that when he finished rehab he was going to go to visit family in Virginia - rehab? really? in a bar?

Then, the 'piece de resistance'....he asked me why I got married so late....I WAS 26!!! That is early to me. He asked why I waited...I said I wasn't even planning to get married until I was closer to 30 but I met the right man early. He asked again, why so late? I said that people (and men specifically) aren't really "ready" before they're closer to 30...they're still figuring out who they are. He then told me that he had heard of this "nugget of truth" from PLAYBOY when he was 17 (by the way if you haven't gleaned, this was an older gentleman). He had read an article (REALLY...he read an article????) that said that men shouldn't get married until they are 30. He said he was so disappointed by that article. The woman standing next me was so quick...she said..."then you turned the page and you were happy again"...he DIDN'T GET THE JOKE....I had to explain that when reading "articles" in Playboy that every other page has "photographs" that might be pleasing to a man.

Oh LORDY that was such a frustrating, comical, INSANE event that evening....why me?

Whole

Best thing in the whole wide world is hugs from your kids when you've returned home from a trip. I have a minuscule glimpse of what it must have felt like for my brother to return from a year away from his family in Afghanistan...it really doesn't come close...but it is on the same spectrum. This morning my son got a glimpse of me and stopped for a moment and I could see his mind was saying "what is different about this situation" and realizing that I had been gone and now I'm back. When kids are older (like mine) they 'get it' but it still feels nice to have things 'back where they were'. We're whole again...and that feels good.

Gratitude X 10

Friendships X Infinity

I feel weird 'pre loading' my gratitude...but I do know that I am undoubtedly thankful for my friendships and the opportunity to reconnect this weekend....Cheers! Skol! Chin Chin! and OOGI WAWA (I think that is 'cheers' in Zimbabwe or something like that).

Treasure Trove

"Who finds a faithful friend, finds a treasure." -- Jewish saying

I have been blessed with some amazing friendships throughout my life. My college friends and roommates hold a very special place and I guess it has to do with many things...such as living together 24/7, cramming for exams into the wee hours of the night, helping each other through heart aches, singing Irish tunes together (probably out of tune) every Thursday night for 4 years, nursing headaches and hangovers, and just 'being there' for each other. It is a fabulous mix of souls that really did mesh but each with its individual flare and 'je ne sais quoi'....where would I be without my Amis, Verde, Jules and Kush....I definitely wouldn't be in Austin having a fabulous time!!! I have a treasure trove of friends of whom I will constantly keep safe and tucked in a special spot for all of my life..."I love you (wo)man".

My Predictions...

for Friday in Austin, TX....

Chatting, laughing, eating, drinking, walking, shopping, relaxing... repeat!

Off I go...

I'm off to Austin, TX to reconnect with my mates. I have visions of a bloody and a book on the airplane. I'm ready....cheers!

Yay Me!

My sister-in-law has informed me of the following...(see my most recent post for context)



It is considered very bad luck to kill a spider. Considering the many, many people who have killed spiders it certainly doesn't make the future bright, according to folklore! No matter how scary and ugly they are, however, having one in your home was considered good luck as the spider would protect the house and family from any misfortune. To have a spider living in your home meant that happiness would be yours so long as the spider remained. A spider dangling from the ceiling meant that money was coming your way and the small, red spiders, no matter what they were doing or where you found them, also meant financial reward. Seeing a spider outside was also considered lucky.

Signs?

This morning I was beavering away on a coaching program I'm developing...when what should appear in my eyesight, a SPIDER hanging from the ceiling EXACTLY in front of my face. What are the chances?

Yes, I jumped, yes I swiped it away (which now I regret because it is still alive in my house), YES, I'm wondering if it is a sign for my day! Maybe there are good things about spiders making contact with you. I'm hoping that is the case. This spider encounter makes me think of the phrase my professor from Graduate School said once....

What a wicked web we weave.

Feeling

So, I've been exploring what 'feeling state' I'd like in my life to move toward my goals of having a successful coaching practice, having a flexible schedule, enjoying my family, being financially secure, being of service to others, and continuously learning (to name just a few goals of mine)...I've decided that feeling busy and connected would be a good place to start. I'm now deciding that I might want to put some qualifiers on HOW busy and HOW connected (or the quality of connections and the quality of my 'busy-ness') because I'm on overdrive right now and I don't think it is sustainable over time. So...its back to the drawing board to see if there are some more details I can obtain from "myself" to see what I really want to feel and how much of it. They say that if you can find the thoughts, feelings and actions of what you want out of life....then you can get more of it....well, a bit of adjustment is needed...but I'm honing in on the sweet spot. Excuse me while I meditate - ohm!

Laugh

I had a blank moment in my head...and then I looked at my mug (which is actually my daughter's mug) and it says laugh....well, I didn't laugh, but that word does bring a sense of joy by just reading it. Even if you don't do it, you know how it makes you feel. Sometimes I think I don't laugh that much, but I'm not sure that is true. When I'm with my friends I know that we're all pretty whitty and so I'm sure we're laughing. In fact on Thursday-Saturday I'll be in Austin, TX with my 'mates' from college and I know there will be laughter...I can count on it.

I think the thing that I am trying to 'tap' in my thinking is that I see myself as an 'even-keeled' person in general, I don't get too happy and I don't get too sad. I think the M-O has served me well, but when I get all introspective, I wonder if moving closer to the ends of the sprectrum every once in awhile might be interesting as well. I know that I feel a shift when I've had a good laugh (or cry for that matter). It feels as though something has been stirred inside. I believe that even-keel 'protects me' from disappointment, but what will I be disappointed about? What would happen if I were disappointed? What would happen if some unexpected fabulous "knowing" happens? I'm not expecting that I will change my M-O as a result of this introspection but it is something to ponder...what does playing it safe get you? What does protecting from disappointment get you? I know this week I'll be laughing more...and that is a good thing. I think for a good cry though, I'd prefer to get that from a movie right now versus a life experience (if you know what I mean). Just thinking out loud!

Gratitude X 10

1. Spirtual reconnection
2. Lessons taught by Jesus' life and death
3. Quiet prayer
4. Choir singing
5. Easter bunny
6. JELLY BEANS
7. Children in fancy clothes
8. Joy
9. Love
10. Peace

Let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me.

I love that hymn...it reminds me of mass at St. John's school where several of us were 'set to the side' because we weren't Catholic. My friend Angela (a non Catholic) could sing that song with such a pure voice....the words are lovely too. Peace out!

Chief Mom

We gave our neighbor's daughter a sleepover at our house as a birthday gift. Not just any sleepover though...a camping sleepover. We called it Camp Nicole. Of course here in the PNW camping outside in April would not be fun for anyone (especially the adults) so it was an indoor camping experience. My goal was to design an evening that was fabulously fun for the kids but low maintenance for me....and it was achieved. The kids made up their own nature craft (nature craft wasn't even on my radar). They covered pine cones with peanut butter and put crushed crackers on it (I didn't have birdseed). The great thing is that we actually got some good bird visits as a result, a blue jay, a woodpecker, hummingbirds and some other sweet looking bird. Then I provided dinner outside, then we lit the fire pit and made s'mores, then the kids went on a nature hike in our back yard (backyard is tiny so it might be more appropriate to call it a nature hop). Then the kids got every blanket in our house and turned the basement into one huge tent (fort would be more descriptive). That took up so much time that once it was done, it was bedtime. I had doubts that sleeping UNDER the fort would last, and as predicted, an hour into the 'sleeping time' everyone migrated up to my daughter's bedroom to sleep on the floor.

Right now I'm asking myself why I felt compelled to share this and part of me is that I am proud of MYSELF for providing fun inventive experiences for my kids and their friends. I also am realizing that I enjoy planning events that kids will love (Nicole's sister's birthday gift was an evening where they 'ran a restaurant' and cooked a 5 course meal for 5). Am I doing this to be perceived as a cool mom? (probably), do I enjoy seeing life from a kid's perspective? (probably), do I love it when my kids are having fun with others so I don't have to feel guilty about not wanting to spend time with them? (probably), do I love to see the joy, wonder, creativity, pride and smiles of children when they are having fun and "I" made that fun for them? (probably)....Am I trying to create lasting wonderful memories for my children (and their friends) so that when they look back they might say, I had a great childhood AND my mom was so fun? YES....can I guarantee that is what they'll think and say, NO...but that doesn't stop me from trying. Excuse me while I go and ring the breakfast bell for the campers...you can call me Chief MOM.

Null and Void

I've been doing some deeper thought work with myself lately and really 'going for it'. It has stirred up some uncomfortable 'jitters' within me, it has put me in my head a little too much, and it can get scary to figure out 'what meaning' I've applied to different aspects of me and how I can either change or enhance them. It is both fascinating and unnerving at the same time...but I think it is all good. I am focusing a lot on this concept I've come across that in our lives we make 'unconscious' contracts with ourselves about the way we operate and associate with things and people. For example, I can go back and identify when I decided to have the 'relationship with money' that I have...it actually is in Burlington Coat Factory circa 1983 where I'm shopping at the sale rack to buy Le Tiger shirts (versus the coveted Izod). I place no blame on anyone or anything, but it is at that point that I decided that I could/would never have 'the real thing'. I would always be fine with the cheaper model. In that moment as a teenager I do remember the deflated feeling I had that I would be a 'poser' looking almost, but not quite like the real thing. I can come up with those same feelings and scenarios in my adult life where I've talked myself out of something really nice and settled for either not having it at all or buying the cheaper version. I think I've convinced myself that I don't value the real stuff, that it isn't worth it, that it isn't necessary and that it is wasteful. When I think specifically about a certain thing I might have passed up I still might believe those things...but if I didn't feel that sense of 'ick' about it then I know that I truly didn't care...if there is an 'ick' factor, maybe I've touched on a nerve where I am doing the 'cheaper model' behavior. For example, I love to shop at consignment stores and even though that may seem to be the 'cheaper model' story, it actually brings me joy not pain. I think if 'in that consignment store' I talk myself out of something because it is 'too much'...that is when the 'ick' comes. This revelation has only entered my mental repertoire in the past month so I don't have it figured out (and argue that I may never have it figured out)...but I think I'm onto something. I am now investigating my 'contract' I might have made regarding my "confidence". It is interesting to 'go there' and just see what pops up and then to also see if I can declare the contract 'null and void' and create my own NEW FABULOUS contract that fits me today as an adult and that supports my passion, my purpose and my power (did you know I had powers?). So, that is what I'm up to lately...its all fun and games...with a little 'thrill' peppered in to make it interesting.

Birds and Bees

Last night I attended a lecture on the birds and bees. I have to say I know a thing or two about them, but I DON'T KNOW what/how/when I'm going to communicate that with my kids. I believe I've missed some 'teachable moments' in the past and want to gain back the 'power' to really give my kids the understanding (as best I can) of what this topic is, how it relates to them (at the appropriate time) and where our family stands on some of the bigger issues. My kids are by no means ready for the big stuff but my daughter probably is ready for the basics (or at least soon). I believe she is emotionally ready for the information, so the question is when, what, where, how and why? I'm feeling like the universe is giving me messages because a few weeks ago I had told someone how I'm feeling very 'vulnerable' right now with my daughter because she is starting to exhibit clear signs of 'school girl' crush with one of her classmates. It is sweet and innocent, but it is there (blushing, trying to be in same proximity, skating together at 'skate-night'). I feel that I should play a role in this self discovery she is having so that the lines of communication are open and that she can ask questions when she feels the need...BUT I am feeling 'out of control' in terms of what the right approach is, how much information, don't want to scare her away, don't want to encourage too much....so I'm guessing I have some reading in my future (very near future too). Anyway, after I had this discussion with my friend, I got an email about this birds and bees talk....so I took the message from Ms. Universe and went (glad I did). Then yesterday I saw that Oprah is having a whole session on Sex Ed...HELLO, another message. I'm in a big GULP phase right now. This is going to be one big LONG Uncomfortable GULP...but I believe that it should be long (meaning not just one conversation in 4th grade) and it should be open and it should be two-way and it should be supportive...but golly I'm feeling a little 'out of my league'....I need a support group...I'd name it PEST (Parent Education on Sex Talks).

How the hair are you?

My son needed a haircut so we wandered into my local 'chop shop' and we did our usual #4 on the sides and scissors on the top. My daughter (who hadn't had her hair cut since our unmentionable lice incident) decided she needed to fancy up her style. She asked for layers and a shorter (but not too short) bang. She knew exactly what she wanted. Even when the hairdresser asked if her bangs were short enough, my daughter asked for more. As an adult, I don't have the confidence to ever say....well could you 'this and that' a little more with my hair. I usually take what I get and have probably NEVER spoken up about wanting it a little different. My daughter and I are different that way....she knows and I am not sure.

Speaking of hair. To date, I've allowed my daughter to dictate the style and length of her hair. This stems from a long held issue with my childhood haircuts. As a 'single digit' child I remember having a pixie haircut. I can't remember exactly NOT liking it but I do get a feeling I didn't. Also, I was once mistaken for a boy EVEN WHEN I WAS WEARING GIRLIE CLOTHES...ouch. Then, there was the time that my mother cut my hair herself and I believe "got bored" because in my school picture there is a visible difference between my left and right side of my head...I looked a peach. My 4th grade picture is truly magical; I decided to go to bed with curlers in my hair curling all of the ends of my hair under. The result was a mushroom look...stunning. I started to gain back control in middle school with the everso stylish middle part (butt head as some would call it). I also plastered my hair back symmetrically on both sides (no bangs) with barrettes with ribbons hanging down...a real looker, I was. Oh boy then it started to be the Farrah era where I meticulously curled my sides to flip 'just so' on each side (continuing the butt head). The hairspray I used to secure said flip could sustain high winds BUT if the wind was at a certain angle, it would take a huge portion of sprayed bits and blow back "as a unit"...I'm not certain but I think there was some aerodynamic lessons to be learned there that Boeing could use. Then lets move into the PERM PHASE...oh boy...what is there to say about it...WHAT WAS I THINKING?And the accompanying bangs that had to be teased 'just so high, no more, no less and secured with a can of hairspray". I am imagining that the wall in my bathroom would remain intact (with the rest crumbling down) in an earthquake.

I was and am blessed with some pretty good hair, it is blond naturally, it is fairly straight and can hold any hair style with ease...so, why didn't anyone tell me to "go natural"....I finally reached this "knowing" as an adult...oh but wait...there was the graduate school hairstyle of the "long as all get out" style. I never was convinced my hair was long enough and was certain that it 'didn't grow'. What planet was I on...it was crazy long. Luckily long hair has always been considered 'attractive' so that my husband didn't know any better and still 'fancied me'. He did think I was more 'granola' than I really was due to the outfits I wore and my hair length when he first met me. Wouldn't it be nice to have some sort of mirror in your life that gives you the REAL image of how you come across versus the filters we create that make us see ourselves in a slightly different light...for example...mile high bangs...PLEASE, somebody give a girl some perspective!

PS: this picture is from a dress up party a few years ago where we were supposed to go 'white trash'....I was so proud that I was able to achieve the side feathers...I still had the touch. I'm awesome.

Just one of those days

I had one of those crazy, insane, busy, rushy, tiring days. I believe it was 'meant to be' because I asked for it. All week long people asked how I was doing with my husband being gone. I was like...."its all good, I'm go with the flow, no biggie...EXCEPT the last day always seems to be a sticky one where I'm at my wits end"...BAM, the universe delivered what I asked for.

I don't even remember half of what happened today except Soccer Cleats being too small which seemed so similar to yesterday morning's debacle with my daughter missing the bus because of ill-fitting shoes. I am convinced that all of the rain from last week made her feet grow a whole shoe size. This girl is NOT FLEXIBLE when it comes to having uncomfortable feet. My thoughts are...hey babe, 'get used to it', to have those fancy shoes you covet of mine (and wear daily when you're pretending to be an adult)...they ain't always so comfy...'suck it up'...but I'm saving that one when I really need to give her a zinger. So...shoes not fitting, that is one memory...theeen it was...yes...the STINKIN' Yamagotchi pets my kids talked me into 'floating their allowance to buy'....this was at 8pm, of course then they had to activate the bloody things and then, they pushed wrong buttons and they had to start over, then, they wanted to put in a secret code but forgot it THEN...then I almost smashed the little 'creatures' into the ground. So we figured out how to get them to sleep BUT somehow maybe we didn't read quite correctly because I keep hearing random noises from the kitchen where I have them 'hidden away' until we have time to really understand the things. Poor Monkey has grown a little 'scared' of the thing and actually asked if we saved the receipt so we can return it. I must have been INSANE to say yes to this toy...I remember as a teenager someone having one and it was a PITA (look it up)...why did I think they'd changed since then? So....shoes and 'little shits' (not the kids but the crazy toys...well maybe a little bit 'the kids' too) have caused me to have nachos and Mikes Hard Lemonade (x3) for dinner....'Nuff Said!!!!!

Wake up call

Here is what I think the universe thought this morning:

Hmmmm....we have a dilemma here. Chief and her kids need to wake up to get ready for school. They're still sawing the zzzzz...how can I wake them when she hasn't set the alarm? Hmmmmm....I know, I'll give her a gentle 'nudge' to look at the clock, THEN I'll change the time to an hour later than it is (8:30 vs 7:30) so that she'll bolt out of bed and get her feet on the ground. 'Cuz, if I put the REAL time (7:30am) she'll roll back over and go back to sleep. Mission accomplished.

For some very odd reason I awoke, looked at the clock and it said 8:30...my first thought...Oh shit, I gotta get the kids up and out the door in 15 minutes. I burst into my daughter's room and her clock said 7:30...so then I checked one more clock and it said 7:30...I was able to 'stand down' my fretting but boy was I tempted to jump back in bed...the universe would not have looked so kindly on that response though...that is where the nudge would no longer come and the kids would be late and havoc would ensue.

So, I got everything ready in a very calm and timely manner UNTIL, my daughter decided that every shoe that she owned no longer fit and so the bus came and went (with Monkey on it but not her) while we negotiated the shoe crisis and I drove her to school....so in the Yin and Yang of this scenario, the universe decided it would help me get moving on my day, but she decided not to make it too easy. That was my payment for her creative solution to my need to awaken. Touche!

Well hello

I realized late last night that blogged as if it were Sunday. That was a curious realization and I decided to investigate what that means to me. It means that I was hoping it was Sunday so that my kids would be back in school again. It means that I was feeling grateful yesterday. It means that I wasn't in a very 'creative' space yesterday so the Gratitude was my easiest access to writing. It means that I have lost track of time.

These all are true. My husband is away until next Wednesday and I do kind of want time to go faster. My kids have been out of school for a week and I'd like to have my 'me time' back. My parents were here last week and the time raced by and so I guess I was still in 'race' mode.

This weekend I am feeling calm and contented. I feel at peace. My kids and I went for a bike ride that was great and very invigorating. I was able to get a baby sitter last night to connect with a friend and to work on a project we have brewing. My day felt very 'go with the flowy' and today I feel the same. It is beautiful outside. I have all the doors and windows open to flush out the winter 'stuffiness'. I hear sounds of birds and kids laughter (my own kids) as they play in the water (it really isn't that hot, but they have been playing hard). I have been spending time catching up on some internet stuff I am involved in and I feel like I've 'regrouped' a bit. So...in the spirit of gratitude today I list the following:

I am grateful for my mood

I am grateful for the warm weather

I am grateful for the sounds of MY kids enjoying life

I am grateful for time to regroup

I am grateful for the contented feeling I have

I am grateful for my deep breathing

I am grateful...PERIOD.

Gratitude X 10

1. SUNSHINE
2. Visit from my mommy and daddy
3. Emails from my husband (in Tokyo right now)
4. Afternoon playing tourist with friends
5. Catching up on tivo'd shows
6. Evening with my 'tribe'
7. Perspective
8. Questions
9. New welcome mat (made from recycled material)
10. Kids making their own breakfast

Ain't no sunshine when they're here

My parents were here for 6 days and it CHUCKED DOWN RAIN 5 of the 6 days. It was hard for them not to take it personally especially when the sun decided to shine just about the time that their plane took off from the airport on their journey home. The upside of the rain is that I spent some good quality time with my parents, my mom re-covered our kitchen chairs, my dad played Lego's with my son, my mother took my daughter and I shopping, we all went to the movies....all of that equated to either me spending quality time with my family (minus my husband who is in Tokyo right now) OR my parents spending quality time with their grand kids. I love my parents, I love that they come and visit, I love that I can still see them, chat with them, hug them and really know that I am connected with some awesome human beings. In fact, every time I hug them now, it is a real genuine, long, heartfelt hug. They mean so much to me that without that hug to last until the next time, I might actually expire. My parents are GREAT huggers and I thank my lucky stars for that. So until next time...here is an 'air hug' for you!

Questions

My intention for the month of April is: ASK.

My goal is to ask myself a question every day. Yesterday someone else asked the question of me in a class I'm taking. The question is Money equals? (name three things). I said money equals opportunity, choices, exchange (as in of goods). I knew when I was writing the words I was going for the 'social self, what would be a fancy answer kind of list'. If I really thought right now what money is for me....it feels a little out of reach (me personally not in my life), it feels like it is 'coming' but I'm not ready to receive it, I feel like I have some internal work to do on my thoughts of worth before all the abundance can come my way. I do have to say though that I am noticing that money comes in more forms than just the greenbacks. I have had opportunities come my way which I know will lead to my confidence and eventually my own money making. My husband bought me a computer, that will add efficiencies for which I can translate them into money. I got a brand new state of the art camera which will help with my photography income. So by changing the perspective of what money looks like and where it is coming from and in what form, I do believe that I am opening up new channels for understanding how I deserve it, how I can make it, how I can be grateful for it and how I can use it to serve both myself and others. So...long story short...I do believe that money IS opportunity, it is choices and it is an exchange....but sometimes I don't acknowledge THAT, I acknowledge the more 'stressful' side of it. My challenge for now is to continue to notice where my thoughts are going and then to CHOOSE to have a different more positive or better feeling thought AND THEN the opportunities, choices and exchanges will flow fabulously through my life!!! Amen.

Reading

My friend and I decided for our birthday to get our cards read. This is my first (I was a Tarot virgin) and a year ago, I'd have been freaked out to do it.

Now I'm feeling all metaphysical and really jazzed by thinking about things in different ways. Sara was a great reader in that she was more like a coach than an airy fairy palm reader. It was exactly the speed I needed, I'd have been frightened if she was telling my future instead of the way she read what was resonating in my life right now. All I told her was that I was in transition and as she placed the cards on the table and I was "shocked" by what was unfolding. All kinds of words that totally fit me and my 'transition' to coaching were facing me. She told the meaning of each card and their placement (which is also important) and each time she did, I had a huge smile and stirrings in my belly....it was my life, it was my attitude toward it, it was my pitfalls in confidence, it was where I needed to be bold. She also used many terms and phrases that I had recently either uttered myself OR that I had been told the day before. I wish I had a recording of the reading because I've definitely 'lost' some of the juicy bits but the reading actually 'rooted' me in my conviction that I am on the right path and that the areas where I do feel at risk I need to trust, I need to sink into gratitude, I need to be confident, I need to cultivate....all kinds of juicy bits. LOVE IT. Another thing I learned is that I should really think about the words I use and how I present myself because words have meaning and by choosing words that are belittling my impact, my worth, my gifts...it serves ME no good AND it also denies people the true impact I can have on them....I TOTALLY agree with this, but culturally it is very hard for a person and certainly for a woman to "own our gifts" and to confidently (not braggingly) share what we know to be true about ourselves and the gifts we bring to the world. I BELIEVE this. The word that came to my mind when she was saying this is the word "just"...that word epitomizes what she is saying...I'm sure there are more words and phrasings that can also 'soften' our impact but JUST is a word that doesn't serve me (or anyone for that matter). I'm "just" starting. I AM starting, I AM becoming, I AM. I'm just a mom. I AM a mom. ....it 'just' doesn't add value to my life, so I now will notice when/if it comes out of my mouth. I also will practice (in the mirror like Stewart Smalley) the words I use about myself. What do I tell the world I AM. We ALL are powerful, we all are only on this planet for a short time, we ALL deserve to live a life that has meaning and is joyful....I can go on, but I do believe that if we hide our 'gifts' from the world EVERYONE loses. So...get ready world....my gifts are going to be shared (and I know that they've already been for some time). To move with the metaphor of the gift...especially related to my 'transition into a healer/coach'...at this moment, I think I've narrowed down the store, and am in the right aisle of my 'gift getting' but now need to pick the right 'size, color, quality, quantity etc"...then I'll wrap it up, put a huge bow on it and offer it to the world...soon, soon, soon.